Coo Coo

 I'm taking a back seat to any emerging emotions that arise within the next few days.....

Being transparent with someone you are dating has limits and should be equal.  I know he is into me, but he hasn't jumped and it may take time, or it may not happen.  And either way, that is out of my control.

Control being a bigger issue for me than i realized.

I haven't been controlling the pace of this relationship, always chomping at the bit.  His bit.  Yesterday i had some time to sit with myself and do some thinking. It started as a spiral, i won't lie.  A continuation of the previous nights anxious thoughts and emotions.

I tried to bully him into a stance.  Nope.  He's not falling for that.  

He is in control of this relationship.  BUT I am in control of myself.  At least, i need to be.  This relationship is not the be all end all of my life.  It will happen, or it won't. I will trust myself to make the right choices.

My life goes on regardless.  I continue to learn more and do better at work.  Lots of changes happening now, and thats where my focus needs to be.......on excelling.  Work supports my life.  It takes top priority.

My health- the weight keeps coming off and as much as i hate exercising, i'm seeing the effort pay off.  I was so bad i could only go upstairs one at a time.  Now i'm doing it like normal people, although slowly.  And i don't allow myself to hold the railing most of the time.  Slow and steady.  Get stronger.  At work, i walk around the hospital at every opportunity use the stairs instead of the elevator...i'm bringing my food to work to control what i eat.  I'm drinking water.  I'm getting as much sleep as i can.

And i'm pampering my body with lotions and oils and good smells because it makes me happy.  Whether i am gong out or not.  I used to save all that stuff for "special" but not anymore.  I'm special.

My friends are getting restless with my not being around very often so that needs to be kept up.  They arent' quiet about it, like my kids are.  My friends demand and guilt trip.  When i go on vacation in July I will concentrate 100% on relaxing and enjoying myself.  I will not be obsessed with why or why not i haven't heard from Mr. Cigar.

I will not fall into that trap again.  He is part of my life, if it works out between us.  Not my every waking moment.  I've been divorced and been through a bad break up .......i don't think anything he does can hurt me more than that, so its time to relax into it and enjoy.  Fine, take the wheel.  I'll go for a ride but i'm not giving up my car. 

Can't sleep

Ever have one of those nights where you can't sleep because you are so confused and overloaded and questioning your sanity?  I did.  Last night.  This is what i got up and wrote in the dark.

 I'm having the longest anxiety attack ever.  

I thought it started when we left the party and got into my car to go home.  Now i know why men usually drive.  They are horrible passengers.  

But through the tossing and turning and NOT SLEEPING tonight, it came to me that it probably started while i was talking to my ex.

His POS baby mama is on the warpath again and this time she decided to comment in public on my social media.  To which i was stupid enough to respond.  

I can't always rise above the shit.  Why she thinks i'm the one to reach out to, ever, is beyond me.

I'm not mean ENOUGH.  

Of course, i called my ex to let him know crazy was losing it again (she's done worse to his other friends).

I engaged. With full knowledge that i shouldn't.  Because me having any contact with him is usually me standing in a shit pile afterward. 

But during that engagement i heard the words i always, obviously, knew to be true.  He left me FOR her.  And now he regrets it.  He said it outright, not coded, not covering his ass, or skirting the issue.  He told me he chose a piece of shit over 13 years with me.  Because that is just how little i meant to him. 

AFTER his life blew up he had regrets.  Because he gave up a good woman.  NOT because he gave ME up.  

Didn't phase me in the least at the time of hearing it. It was just a very simple and direct confirmation of what i already know.     But last night.......on repeat in my thoughts.  Is Mr. Cigar going to cut me loose?  Is his withdrawal a sign of being busy and tired, or is it a lack of appreciating me, or wanting me in his life?

I was actually too consumed with the fact that Mr. Cigar was actually coming with me to a party given by my bestie.  I didn't care about any  thing in the past.  I was looking toward the future.

and then i found out that Mr. Cigar is still in contact with his recent ex.  Which he doesn't think is an problem because he's not ever going back.  HOWEVER, he doesn't think i should be in contact with my ex, where there is a proven track record of 8 YEARS of never going back.  Thats a wee bit contradictory, to think i'm strange yet he's doing it with a recent ex.

Not thrilled.

He was fun at the graduation party, social and everything i knew he would be.  I was proud to be with this man.  I was comfortable, not on high alert for too much drinking or too much this or that or the other thing.  I loved being with him.

But if i'm being honest, i don't get that feeling from him.  I don't feel any affection from him. He's not a toucher- unless its during intimacy, but he doesn't melt into my touch either.  He's kind of like a stone under my hands.  Like he can take it or leave it.  Which, i've noticed in myself, i've been leaving.  

And last night, as i drove home by myself after dropping Mr. Cigar off- because he made it clear our night was over "he had shooting in the morning"......the thing he loves and makes time for in his busy life..something that i already know.....men make time for what they want to do.  And as much as i am into this man, he's not sending me the signals that he returns those feelings.  Which means I am once again the expendable woman......the one that will be walked out on when he finds the one he really wants.

This is what kept me up all night, whether its true or not.  Maybe talking to my ex set me up as a reminder, brought my trust issues forward, fucked my head up.  Or maybe i'm reading the withdrawal accurately.  Mr. Cigar went with me because he said he would, he told me he almost backed out "but couldn't do that to me"...............What the fuck?  I told him i almost called him my "boyfriend" but backed off of it  and when i glanced at him in the passenger seat he was shaking his head "no".  

I am falling for this man, but i'm not the same desperate bitch i used to be.  If he's not smart enough to lock it down with me, if he thinks he's gonna find better somewhere else, if he can't see or doesn't FEEL the same way about me...........that can't be fixed.  His loss.  I'm over the ambiguous, keep an adoring woman around because it feels good man.  

This man doesn't feel like he's in it with me.  And i've had enough experience to know he'll regret it once he loses me.  And it will be too late.

I am 58.  I want to know what it is like to be loved, to be safe and to be wanted and respected.  I don't want anything, won't accept anything, less than that.  

anxious attachment

 Last night I sent a meme to Mr. Cigar and promptly fell asleep.  I remember thinking "it's so light outside, it's too early" and that was all she wrote.

This morning when i woke up I realized i never said goodnight, and when i looked at my phone, neither had he.  He had seen the meme.  

We are a couple of losers not being able to stay up later than the sun.  That was my first thought.

My second thought was........why didn't he respond when he saw my message?

Because that is how i sabotage.  That is my anxiety at work.  Stop it.

So i texted good morning and  it took some time for him to respond. he is obviously already on a roll at work.  Here comes my anxiety.  He is pulling away, losing interest, what did i do wrong?

No he's not, no he's not, and nothing.  Relax.

He makes time for me.  I talk to him every day at some point. We see each other regularly, but not on a routine basis.  He knows me.

And i know him.  This man probably woke up at 4am and started working before he got out of bed.  He is focused on work, acquiring, expanding, more, more.......i've seen it with my own two eyes.  Lazy mornings texting with me aren't the priority at the moment.

I'm not feeling crazy yet, but this morning i felt the anxiety rising.  I almost reached out to him for reassurance and i stopped myself.  I don't need reassurance, i need to reset and put the anxiety on mute.

Its going to be like this.  He is going to be focused on work, it is who he is.  If it's an issue for me I better just jump off now.

Or i can be grateful he's an achiever.  That he wants me to do better as well, that he encourages and supports my growth.

Aggressively.

He's not a soft man in any way.....well, there are times when his eyes soften, when i catch smiles, when his voice is gentle but still gruff.  I don't think everyone gets to see that side, but i do. 

Anyway i better be the only one that sees that side. grrrrrrr.

Giving myself some pats on the back for not having a selfish breakdown that would make me a big pain in the ass instead of support.

thats growth.

dependent

 I knew my cell phone was attached to me, but i never really had a realistic idea of just how much i depend on it.

This morning i went to grab my phone to go sit on the throne.  I had a moment of "OH NO, what will i do?" and then had a good giggle.  what a crisis!  Potty time with no hexagram game!!!!

Last night I was a out of sorts, no phone, no social media (unless i get on the laptop, which i sure as hell did) no audiobook, no texting, no phone calls.....I can't read a book while i'm making dinner!  How am i going to multitask?

Mr. Cigar messages me back on Facebook (good old facebook) and i tell him "come get me" and he does!  He tells me i'm difficult.  I tell him he's a good boyfriend.  He said he didn't want me having anxiety all night without a phone.

Does he know me?  ya think?

What if my kids need me?  The only reason i spent money ON a cell phone back in the day was so they could always reach me if they needed me.  Here we are decades later and i'm still "what if they need me?"....At this point, i doubt i'm even the first person that comes to mind when they need someone.  It's more of a "maybe i should check in on mom and make sure she's not doing something stupid" situation most of the time.

I may have done some stupid things.  BUT i raised two very smart and independent capable and much more successful people than i will ever be. And they are kind.  So there's that.

I didn't even think about anything happening to me, other than boredom and being cut off from the entire world.....until my co-worker looked at me in all seriousness and said "with the state of the world today I would never be able to go without a phone.  What if something happens?"

Something sounded really ominous.  It stuck in my brain.  Enter anxiety with no distractions. 

SO the man came and he picked me up in his big old sexy work truck with THE BOYS!  I got kisses and slurps and butt wags and whines when one was getting more attention then the other.  Who was i more excited to see?  The man or the dogs?  I'm not sure.  I just felt happy climbing into the truck.  This is the stuff of life.  Small moments of happy.

The pups get brought home and we set out to find dinner.  Most restaurants, especially in the boonies are closed on Monday. So we had a nice drive and ended up in a chain restaurant a few towns over because by that time........hungry.  

One thing i've learned about Mr. Cigar....dinner out is not about us having intimate or deep conversations.  Dinner out is about him connecting with the waitress and telling crazy stories.  We always get good service.  They always get a great tip (he is generous) and i can bet that they don't forget serving our table for a long time.

He is inappropriately hysterical.  He loves shocking them, making them laugh.  I could feel some kind of way but to me, he's making their job more entertaining while we are there.  We have our time to talk about deep thoughts and the state of the world when we are alone.  When we are out.......He is outrageously social.  It took me a minute to figure it out.  

Our first date, he focused on me, we sat for hours talking.  He was social with the waitress but not as much as he is now.......now that we are a couple. I have no worries that there will ever be dinners out where we both sit looking at our phones in silence.  He does check his phone VERY often, but again, he is always at work.  I can get upset about it, make it an issue, or I can jump on board and understand.

The man gives me the attention i need.  I'm not going without.  And going out with him is an experience.

I just realized that i'm working remotely today, yet i can't sign in to work because i can't get my security codes because I HAVE NO CELL PHONE.  

Let the swearing start.

I hope that phone gets delivered this morning.  And when it does, i'm going to have to cut down my dependency on it.  

Lesson learned.

cell phone shenanigans

 A few months ago i decided i was tired of paying so much money for my cell phone service.  

I have had them all.  Verizon (horrifyingly expensive and confusing) T-mobile (I do not know how i paid them every month and still owed them money to THIS DAY) and finally, an improvement, Comcast cable.  

I went to comcast because i have them for wifi and if you have service with them you can add a phone line for $30ish a month.  And i was fine with this for a long time until I realized how damn expensive my internet is, and that it kept getting more expensive for less service and I had no other choice.  Fiber optic is still not available in my complex and if i'm going to pay a lot of money thats what i want.  One day i had a piss fit and decided i wasn't paying comcast any more money than i literally have to so i cancelled the phone line.  I don't have cable, haven't had cable in years.  

This left me with no cell phone plan.  I had done some research and found that Mint looked good for my purposes so i signed up with them, using my paid off cell phone (important) and ordered 3 months of service.  This is a prepaid plan.  3 months is the lowest amount you can get.  

I found literally no difference in how my phone worked.  I went to PA, no issues.  So i decided to sign on for a full year when i got the "your 3 months is almost up" notice. I paid $360 for a years service.  Unlimited everything.  Think about that.

This morning my cell phone, which has been paid off for a few years and i have been limping it's cracked screen and beat up body along for sheer spite.....died.  The green screen appeared and no amount of youtube videos or free IT advise from work is going to save it.  

I'm freaking out a little without my lifeline.  Frankly.

I mean.  What am i going to do tonight and tomorrow while i wait for my new cell phone to be delivered?

Heartily Laughing My Silly Ass OFF

So this year i'm paying $360 plus $600 which i paid outright for an unlocked phone.....coming to a grand total of $960 for a year.

Some people pay more than that for the damn phone.

Am i cheap?  Or am i sick to fuck of consumerism?  Either way, I will still have a phone with unlimited service that takes great pictures and gives me unlimited access to data.

So. There. 

Also, I'm broke.  BUT I have 3 cards payed off and the balance is going down on the others, slowly.  Will be quicker now that the 3 have been paid off.  I'm living lean.  VERY lean, as in by the skin of my teeth lean but i'm doing it.  I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Debt free is the goal.  

I'm going to reach it by the end of this year if it kills me. 

no panic

 How long does it take to know you are with "the one"?  I wish there was a rule book somewhere.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me.....(song reference)

Limerence? Infatuation?  How do you know the difference?

The hardest thing in life is to trust yourself, when you've led yourself down dead end paths before, and wasted time and tears on men who were never meant for you in the first place.

Do i just want to be in love?  No........because if that were the case, i've had men that were head over heals (so they said) and i felt nothing.  In the same regard, i've fallen head over heals and he felt nothing.

When i was going through last years failed romance (yes another song reference) It was so immediate and so all consuming that i didn't pay attention.  I had given myself over to a man who didn't want me, but THIS one, let me go.  Oh, how that hurt.  And i blamed myself.  I was TOO MUCH of me.  I was TOO obvious with how I felt, needed TOO MUCH from him (the basics)....it was allllll my fault.

It didn't occur to me that it was him.  That we just weren't a match.  We were and will always be, in different places.  I have been knocked down again and again through my life and every time I fight my way back to standing and i WANT to be happy.  I WANT a good life.  He had given up on his.

I suppose, even though he had all the accoutrements of a successful adult male, he was lacking the desire to live.  And that's all i've ever strived for.  I can't sit in pain and suffering.  I won't.  

He wasn't for me.  And at the time that felt yucky.  But I stood up for myself, took care of myself, and did the right thing by not doing ANYTHING just to be in his presence, to be accepted by him.  I took care of myself.

A year of dating like a loon, to going months of not dating at all, meeting wonderful (for someone else) men......saying yes to all that asked, pursuing those i found interesting, no rules.....just being who i am 100% and not feeling like everything was riding on any date.  I relaxed.  I fell into myself and just enjoyed the experiences, even when i knew not one of these men was "the one".  

I felt like i had had my loves.  That maybe it was greedy to want another, to want the forever love.

And then he fell into my lap.  Been friends with him on facebook for years and yet he sends me a message on facebook dating.  From there, it just......happened.  He made me laugh, approached me in a way that no wasn't an option.   He is very much 100% himself and that sometimes leaves me speechless.  I roll my eyes a lot.  He knows how to get under my skin. The man knows how to be my man.

We've hit some rocky moments which for me, in the past, has ended potential relationships.  Disrespect, disregard .....show me that once and i'm done.  But he hasn't done that.  He doesn't waffle, doesn't feed into a real argument, and he cuts it off before it goes too far.  He is emotionally everything i've ever needed in man.

No weakness, (except for fast food) no neediness (except for more hours in the day) no bullshit.  I feel like i can say anything to him and he hears me, even if he disagrees.  We don't agree on everything but the important things.....like loyalty, trust, hard work, committment....the bond between two people being sacred....on those things we agree.

Saturday he picked me up and we went for a ride to Rhode Island to pick up something he was having fixed.  We took our time, talked and talked......went out to lunch.....talked and talked......there is never a shortage of things to talk about with him.  And then he dropped me off at home.

Okay maybe there was some sizzle when he took me to his office.  He had to pick up his trailer for the next day.  I have to admit, i was a bit in awe that i'm dating a man who has his own successful business(s).  But, i'm also successful - in a different way.  It's just nice to be able to have respect for him and his hard work.  To see what he puts so many hours into, what he loves doing, what is a big part of who he IS........i'm impressed.

.........when is it okay to admit to myself that I love this man?  Love?  omg that makes my skin crawl. And yet.  It's a very calm, no rush, no panic, no "if this" ...just,  natural. 

He tells me i love him.......and i say "I never said that".......maybe i'll stop saying that. 

See? I can heal.

 Mr. Cigar hasn't been available for more than a few random texts over the past few days.  

The old me would be losing sleep, wondering "why" and thinking the worst.

The healed me, doesn't like it.....but it is what it is.  If he is pulling away, he has his reasons.  If he is just busy, he has his reasons.  HIS reasons.

I'm still going to work, making dinner, talking to my friends, doing my workouts and if i'm lucky getting a chance to read a bit before i fall asleep.

I do wonder.  But it's not wrecking my world.

He accepted my invitation to attend a graduation party in a few weeks.  My old self started thinking "he'll break up with me, or start a fight so he doesn't have to go"

hmmmmm.  I wonder what makes me think things like that?  Previous experiences NOT with him.

So cool your jets MB.  He said yes to the invite.  It's not a marriage proposal.

My work stress is not over.  No one gave the word to the new guy apparently and he's all hepped up about meeting with me to discuss his needs.  I'm happy to meet with him.  Thats where we will come to terms with what exactly he can expect from me.  I've had all the okays from above and as usual it's in my lap to enforce boundaries.

He does seem to be a very nice man, but they all seem like that in the beginning.  Until you say "no".  Thats where you find out what they are made of.

All this boundary business seems to be working out so far for me.  Really wish i had given it some thought earlier.

And not letting the fear of being crushed again rule my world.

most of the time.