Just another lesson

This afternoon I was mortified and then furious.  I got called a loser, a shitty human, full of shit, a waste of time, a liar, and oh, a user.

Because i did not want to go out on a second date with him.

I don't know WHAT i was thinking, he's such a wonderful guy with such a full vocabulary.  

I can't be too careful.  But i have to be not TOO careful.  It's all so confusing, frustrating and yeah a little bit dangerous.  This fucking guy was all hands and wouldn't stop.  Why didn't I leave?  Because i fell into that trap of not wanting to make a scene and feeling like maybe it was my imagination.....you know, the shit women think that stops them from punching an asshole in the face.  or breaking his fingers. 

Here i am, 49 and still reacting the way i was trained to.  Well, this guy was a wake up call.  This time i made it away in one piece non the worse for ware, that way of thinking and not responding will get me raped.  Real men don't act that way no matter how turned on they are.  Assholes intimidate women and try to coerce them into doing something they don't want to.  And when that doesn't work they just take.  

Well.  God help the next guy that tries to shame me into submission.  He's gonna get his ears boxed and if thats not enough he's gonna have a difficult time walking again.  I may be slow to learn in some cases, but once i HAVE learned........i don't forget.

So in the same way i can't hold new guys accountable for what has happened to me with ex's, i can't hold new dates responsible for jerkoffs like this one.  He said i "lied" ......because i said i wanted a relationship.......?  with the right guy ASSHOLE, not ANY guy for FUCKS SAKE..

I guess maybe i'm not so calmed down as i thought i was.  

I am responsible for my own behavior and feelings.  I am responsible for my own behavior and feelings.....i am responsible....

I am going on a date with a man that gives me goosebumps just talking to him.  He is, my "type" as much as i said i was going to run away from my type.  The difference is that he is literally everything I have ever wanted in a man, and more.  With fireworks.

And that is all i'm gonna say because i don't want to jinx it.  or share it. i want to hold this potential beginning of something special close.  And safe.  So mind ya business. :) hahaha

I will NEVER give up.  

Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times

Revelations

I had a revelation this weekend, as I sat listening to a bard sing a raunchy song that had me laughing my ass off.....

I desire a perverted nerd

I want to laugh.  Hard.  and Smile.  Frequently.  

I want to know without a doubt that I am the one.

I want to fall asleep talking to each other

I want to know that the love i put into him will be wanted, needed, and cherished.

I want passion and calmness

excitement and comfort

I want respect and silliness

loving arms, soft eyes, BIG HUGS

head scratches

hand holding

back tickles

rubs

and more

rubs

I want a partner watching rated G movies

and X

I want to dress up and go to convention centers, faires, and shows

Concerts,

Museums,

I want someone who thinks i need no improving

but encourages growth

I want someone who will dare me to do what i'm afraid of

and slap me five when i do it

I want lots of sex

and platonic touching

Tears of joy

happiness 

Also, i want a man who doesn't hit on my friends, sneak behind my back, lie to my face and use me and my big dumb heart.  

Not asking too much.

funny how that goes

I took a look at my life last night and realized how full it is......how good it really is.

Even with the whole bullshit process of getting my mortgage (the only time it's NOT fun being a single woman) I have zero complaints about my life.  The only real stress i have is good stress.  I keep looking forward to events and plans that I seem to be making on a daily basis....my life has literally transformed, expanded.

What finally happened in October 2016 was probably the best thing to ever happen to me in the past decade.  I had given up on going any further in my life - of wanting more from myself.  The weight gain was the outside appearance of what was going on on the inside.  I was unhappy, dissatisfied, under-stimulated.  I needed more, and I needed to be booted to see it.

My ex is a father now.  It's kind of crazy, that he always wanted his freedom and no responsibilities and now he has the most locked down position in life (next to being a mother) IF you are doing it right.  Kids come first.  Life changes.  Not worse, but certainly different.  The love that fills your heart for your child cannot be compared to any other love.  It is pure and beautiful - until they start fighting you - but thats a different time of life.  I wish both parents the very best - that this experience will draw them close so their child will have two happy parents who love each other.  Because that is probably the greatest gift you can give a child.   Not the material things, but a life filled with love.

Its hard to be bitter when there is a new life in the picture.  I don't have it in me.  Babies are miracles, life created by two people.  THAT is magic.  It makes me remember when my own children were born, I can still see both their faces at birth - clear as day like it happened an hour ago. I can still feel the weight of each of their tiny bodies being placed on my chest while their father cut the cord.  Listening for their Apgar score when the nurse took them across the room - hearing their surprisingly loud crying coming from such tiny lungs.........  Yes, all the memories flooded back like yesterday.  Only 18 months apart, my children came into the world with a loud cry and tiny clenched fists flying.

They are kinda still the same........now that i'm thinking about it.

Now they are grown ups, living on their own with their own spouses.  My daughter will be married next year.  Maybe she will make me a grandmother soon, or maybe my son will.  I'm afraid for them because i know it's a different world, I know it will not be easy.  Not that raising THEM was easy either but ..........I sound like an old person.  Each generation has it's battles to fight.  But so many times i hear myself saying "i'm so glad i don't have to raise children during this time".  Yet i do still wish for a little one to spoil rotten.  I can't wait to be the grandmother that cuddles and makes forts in the living room when they come over..the kind of grandmother that makes cookies with them - but also takes them to scary movies that their parents will be pissed i allowed them to see......  See, i don't want to be one or the other, cool or cuddly, I'm gonna be both.

Okay enough thinking about babies for a while.

I totally stole this

If your ex did drugs, video-gamed, cheated, drank, smoked, spent a lot of $$ on material things or gambled.. your ex was a self-gratifier.

Now just what the darn heck is self-gratification?

It's the behavior of individuals who cannot sit with an uncomfortable feeling before they leap onto the next thing that makes them IMMEDIATELY feel good.

Uncomfortable feeling = rejection, invalidation, being unable to get what they want, taking responsibility for what they did, sadness, etc.

Self-gratifiers are on a spectrum, there's a little bit in all of us. But the worse of the lot result in pretty shitty boyfriends/husbands (or girlfriends) who really do a number on you.

They tend to jump onto things and tend to get really intense or excited about things till it all blows apart and they jump onto the next best thing that gratifies them.

And yes, that also means that they use something (or someone) till it doesn't benefit them any longer.

As in, once you confront them with the bad stuff that they did... ZIP.. they are gone... off somewhere with their friends.. back into their video gaming room... or out smoking.

The REALLY annoying thing about self-gratifiers is their pseudo confidence. Once they want something, they get it.
And that makes them very attractive to you. The chemistry. The intensity. The confidence.

What it really is - an inability to deal with emotions that make them feel bad. An inability to be REAL with themselves and look, really look, at the damage they've caused.

The worst of self-gratifiers tend to lack empathy for the victim.. they avoid it, because feeling something for the victim makes them feel bad, and they don't like to feel bad.
And I know that some of you might be looking at this and going: "OMG.. am I a self-gratifier?"

No. The fact that you're in this group proves that your key identity is not that of a self-gratifier. You might have self-gratifying tendencies, but you are, at your core, not a self-gratifier.

Understanding self-gratifiers and what this behavior truly is can help you relook at your relationship with your ex, and in a way, pity them.

Because relationships are about self-growth and being vulnerable. You cannot be jumping into things all the time if you want a long-lasting, happy and healthy relationship.

So rethink your relationship. Were you that worthless, or were you just a victim of the self-gratifier?


~Cherlyn Chong~

broken

I've come to the realization that dating can actually be fun but it is still causing me to be panic ridden.

The thing is, once you've gone a few dates with someone - they kinda want more than just a nice talk.
And that's where i run.

I think i'm broken.

Or not ready?

Why the fuck not!? I'm a 49 year old woman, not a 16 year old virgin.

It's really easy to dislike or find some unacceptable fault in a date.  Hey, don't judge, i know men do it and i just figured it would work well for me too.  But at some point you have to ask yourself why.  Why do I keep finding reasons NOT to continue seeing any of the very nice men i've met. Because there have been a few.  Okay, one or two.  There's a lot more jerks than there are nice guys i'm sorry to say.

Admitting that you enjoy someone's company makes them a friend.  That's all that is.  I don't bone my friends.  Even when i've been drinking and can use that as an excuse.  Wait i just lied.  I specifically DID bone A (as in ONE) friend, repeatedly.......over a period of months.  No regrets.  Not at all. It was mutual, it was "negotiated".......hahahaha that sounds awful, but it truly was.  No strings.  No getting attached.  Just good adult fun.

I recommend it to anyone going through a breakup.  Well, if you are like me, i recommend it.  It was safe and it was damn fun.  Not complicated.  And then, it was done.  I honestly couldn't do it again and that's not a statement about HIM at all.  He was wonderful and I'm forever grateful that i could get over that "hump" with someone I really like.  It was just what I really needed at the time.  I do believe he benefited as well........

I had always been curious about single girlfriends when they discussed their sexcapades.....I was a little jealous, and also grateful i didn't have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with sleeping with different men.  Again, no judgement, just not for me.  Maybe if i had to do it all over again and I knew then what i know now I would have dated more instead of getting so involved so young.
Anyways i remember a friend describing how she was literally picked up on an airplane.  Random hot man sits next to her, they talk, exchange numbers - he calls her that night and ......well.   It sounded like something out of a movie to me and I completely believe her.  That wasn't her first pick up.  I wished i had those balls.  And then, I was really glad I didn't.

To own your sexuality means.....what?  I happen to be straight so there's half the population off limits to me.  I won't sleep with married men, or men who are in a relationship (don't we wish ALL women were like that?) so there goes that ......They would obviously need to be attracted to me as well so there goes those guys.......oh, age.  They need to be my age or I feel a little like Mrs Robinson -

Been there.  Done that.  Gleefully taking those points and moving on now.......(I recommend trying that too, at least once, and within legalities) i don't want to worry about killing someone I'm sleeping with........so not too much older than me.

So as you see - i do have basic standards that narrow down the playing field dramatically.  Generally i can call on any one of these criteria to eliminate a potential lover.  And i do.  Quickly and effectively.

The point in this particular blog is that while i seem to be on the hunt for my mate, i appear to be reluctant to actually be intimate.  I feel broken.  And that sucks because we're all adults here and what man is going to hang around waiting for me to be fixed.  And will i ever be?

I'm told yes, that even though i feel strong and over the ex there's still a few more steps to re-claiming my life, to removing the bricks that i've neatly placed in the wall that Trump wishes he built.  It makes me furious to find that a part of me that used to be quite open and enthusiastic has been walled away.  I can't seem to reach her.  But i know she's there.

I will be patient with myself and trust that in the right hands (ehem) any trepidation I might have will be swept away.  I want my life back.  All of it.

Self vs Others

I always believed that in order to show your spouse that you love him, you put him and his needs before your own.

Now, that sounds as bad as it looks in print.

But listen, i'm not that lame - because i ALSO believed that HE was to put my needs before his own. A give and take, a compromise...you know, love.

Where did i get this notion from? Books? Movies? I certainly never saw it in action.  Ever.  There is always someone who holds the upper hand in my experience, someone who cares less, has less to lose, more to gain....yikes, that sounds jaded.  But am i wrong?  I don't think so.

The other day magical words poured out of my mouth while talking to my bestie...  "I will never again lose myself in a mans life and give up my own, or put it second.  I don't NEED a man to have a life. We are supposed to mesh our lives and still have our own at the same time."

Common sense maybe.  It's embarrassing to realize that I basically folded myself in and around the life of the man I was with at the time. I never pursued my own life outside of THEIR schedules, or their needs.  If he went out ever Tuesday, I could take a class on Tuesday nights....If he wanted me to buy the tailored, fitted jacket - even though i wanted the leather bomber, i'd buy the fucking old lady coat.  He liked it on me.  That's what mattered to me.

With all this time to myself over the past 9 months, with time to stop living in shock and disbelief and heartache...etc. etc.  I've come to see that I actually want to do quite a damn bit aside from reading, watching tv or staring at a blank wall daydreaming.  I want to do.  I do, do! I do whatever the hell i want, when and how i want - only within the confines of $$$.

I eat sushi.
I go to the beach at night.
I go for get lost rides by myself.
I don't rush home.
I go see bands by  myself if no one else can go with me.
I eat in a restaurant by myself if i want, without a book
I shave my legs and other girly things BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
I buy cute/sexy underwear FOR MYSELF and wear them depending on HOW I FEEL
I dress the way i like and don't worry what someone else thinks
I read books about empowered women - and men

I date.  I talk to men I wouldn't normally.  Drop dead gorgeous "out of my league" men,  men a lot shorter than I.......men.  Period.  I'm not trying to impress them, I'm not looking for their approval or appreciation.  I don't need them to want or like me.  I'm just being the me that I am finding - a smart ass, a laugher, smiler, flirter.....Someone who has experienced the pain of losing and has chosen to be happy.

Lessons i have learned thus far where men are concerned:  Let them figure it out.  Don't try to help fix anything in their life.  Don't accept less than what i deserve.  I know what i have to offer - strength, passion, loyalty and the ability to see the bright side in everything.  I'm not selfish, materialistic..........and i'm in no hurry to lock myself down to any one man in the immediate future.

Dating kinda IS fun once you get over the idea that everyone has to like you or you are a loser.  I'm not meant for everyone because i have finally found MYSELF and refuse to mutate to what someone else wants or expects.

Welcome to Me.  It's been a long time coming.  It's going to take a lot of practice and i fully expect the impulse to fall into old patterns....which is why i'm writing so much about it here in this blog.  Who better to kick my ass when i'm slipping, than myself?