You knew it was coming

WE all know that every time I learn a new lesson I have to blog about it.  My kids shouldn’t read this particular blog………fair warning it’s TMI for many but especially you. 

I want a relationship.  The whole relationship, the complete package – the kind that takes time to grow into.  I enjoy sex as much as anyone, maybe even more than a lot.  But that’s only a piece, as important as it is.

My desired relationship starts with being interested in someone, having it be reciprocal and being asked on a date- remember those?  When the man interested in you would ask you to do an activity with him that didn’t involve “hanging out” or begin and end in his or your home?  Remember when Men would treat you like a woman worth getting to know?  With your clothes on?

Am I old fashioned or just attracting the wrong men……(make sure to answer this question MB.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve participated in the less than satisfying behavior due to wanting (needing?) male contact.  I have a FWB situation (Not THAT old fashioned apparently) with a friend who has always been there for me, who does not want me to date anyone else BUT will not allow me to take his picture with me……..who says the relationship means more to him than FWB however has never said a word to his friends or family that he is even seeing someone.  It’s an invisible relationship.  At this point in my life I don’t feel like I should have to be invisible. Or settle for only part of what I want. 

I’m patient.  I have a full life. I can have a full relationship with a man. I can wait for what I want.

I’m okay alone, without the complications of sex.  The complications being me catching feelings that aren’t appropriate or good for me or for my own growth and happiness.  I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about “his” feelings in any relationship I’ve been in and fortunately i’ve learned that “he” can take care of his own feelings. I need to protect my own.

Back to the date.  These guys act like they have to spend money to get a good woman and they say things like they can’t afford to take a woman out.

HERE is why you can’t afford to take a woman out:  you aren’t trying to date just one woman.  You aren’t making an investment in a potential life partner.  You are trying to chase the excitement of getting laid by as many women as possible as if you were 16 years old and had the rest of your life ahead of you.   Unless you are a millionaire, this playboy attitude of yours isn’t going to be so cute when you are 60.  And the attitude that supports this lifestyle, this belief that women are disposable, isn’t going to change when you stop being healthy, and somewhat attractive.  Women worth having don’t sign up to take care of tired old assholes………they stay with the ones that aged with them. 

Now that I have some experience there are two things I know for sure.  A man will say and act in any way you need to get you into bed. Also, a man would rather chew off his left arm than tell you that was all he wanted.  Some will go so far as to try making YOU feel bad for pointing it out.   A man who cares about your feelings will never discount them, however unreasonable he may feel they are.  A man who was only masquerading as someone looking for a relationship will use your pointing it out as a reason to make you feel bad. 

This is not original behavior but it works to make many women who have been used to feel like they are wrong, and it was somehow their own fault.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to develop a relationship through spending non sex related time together. There is nothing wrong with wanting to exchange stories, dreams and goals with someone you want to build a relationship with.  The only time its “wrong” is when you are with a man who is only representing himself as wanting these things too.  To get into your bed. 

Look, I have nothing but respect for a man who just wants sex with no attachment and SAYS THAT.  To me, that is his right to live his life as he sees fit and he’s not trying to manipulate me.  Honesty goes such a long way.  Does it work to get me into bed?  On occasion, it has.  Yes.  Has it ever turned into a relationship?  Nope.  Was I thinking it would? Nope. Does everyone walk away happy?  Yep. 

Do I feel ashamed of my own sexuality?  No.  I’m a living breathing woman who values the joy and fun of adult life.  That’s not up for anyone’s approval.  However, it’s not joyful with a stranger, it’s not the whole package.

I am curious, goofy, fun, intelligent, adventurous (but afraid), loving, affectionate, doting, protective, loyal, I will get along with your family, your friends, I am comfortable in just about any situation and I have good hygiene to boot!  I will make you smile when you are sad, I will make you laugh when you think you can’t.  I will take care of you when you need help.  I will find your backbone when you can’t.  I will stand beside you, hold you up, and lay you down.  I am worth the time to know.  I am worth being treated well, and by that I mean with respect, care and honesty.

 I have and will kick your ass to the curb faster than you can complete your ugly sentiment.  I’ve dated all the wrong men……..i’ve heard it all before and I know what the motivation is. I know your kind is based in ego.  Here’s the thing, I learn very fast.  I can complete your very tired insults.  You are not original and you are not the only choice.  I’m sorry you think so, but no, I’m not sorry.

What I AM sorry about is that your sex was good, but still has you attached to it. 

And I deserve so much more. 

Too, too....too

My problem is my inability to ignore double standards. 

Or inconsistencies.

Call me pragmatic.

Or surly.

It doesn’t matter what label is placed on it, the fact remains that I am unable to NOT address unrealistic expectations, or standards that are not held up for all involved to meet.

This feeling applies to the workplace, religious organizations, private memberships to clubs or groups, and on a much more intimate level, personal relationships.

Everyone should be meeting on a level playing field, where the rules apply to all.  Rules change, and when they do…………they should apply to all. 

Rules to me being a standard of behavior.

“you are not going to win this battle by fighting it”……….TED Sincerely X podcast, episode 7: mood changer – I highly recommend listening to this episode if you currently or have ever struggled with Depression, which I have and sometimes still do if not dealt with.

Sometimes I think my depression is a reaction to the loss of control I feel, or the feeling of being ineffective in playing “the” game……….i’m too basic in my ideology, too blunt in my speech, too, too, too.

Is it me that needs to change and adapt?  Haven’t I always?  And how’s that worked out for you MB? 

Shred it, and begin again

My apartment is very small.  When my friends and family moved me in September I had no room to walk.  We piled everything I had been dragging around with me since I was 16, along with everything I felt I needed into this small, one-bedroom apartment. 

I left a lot behind.  I had cleared out so much before I had even moved.  More than once.

My first “cleanse” began when I moved out of the small house I loved so much.  I threw a lot away, I left all the furniture and half the kitchen items…I tried to be fair.  And realistic.  Of course, I got fucked.  He moved in with his new girl not a month after I moved out and everything got thrown away with the acceptation of the one thing I said I wanted, which migrated it’s way over to the new woman’s home.

But it was okay.  For a year I didn’t need anything, having all the necessities and small luxuries provided by my best friend and her family as I licked my wounds, healed my soul and learned what a NORMAL family lives like.  I grew strong, I dated.  A lot.  I was picky, to the point that my friends would tell me there is no such thing as a perfect man.  But, perfect for me, I was sure of.

And then, I met him.  Smiley, handsome, not cocky but sure of himself.  A manly man, who owned his own home and had held his job for many years.  It went fast, the next thing I knew I was moving my “stuff” into his attic. 

That didn’t work out.

Side note:  I have never dated a man who smoked a lot of pot and had ANY ambition.  All of them, have only ever gone for the low hanging fruit (and yes, I realize I was a piece of that fruit).  All of them want the world but will only go so far as the pot will allow them. Then they bitch and complain about everything they don’t have but they are the only ones holding themselves back.  “I have to stop smoking? Oh, noooo”  Their whole world revolves around it.  And because of this, their worlds are small and unsatisfying.

For many reasons I realized I needed to be on my own.  So again, I weeded (no pun intended) out everything I hadn’t needed or thought about in the past year of living at that house.  I was merciless and yet I still moved truck loads and truck loads of “stuff”…..this time I was smart enough to bring the furniture I had purchased, although I left a lot behind. (which I am still paying for incidentally)

Every year I don’t make a resolution, but I try to improve myself somehow.  This year is the year of getting rid of anything that holds me back, or has control over me.  So far, I’ve gotten coffee down to one cup a day (occasionally two) and eventually it will be zero.  My world will not end if I can’t have a coffee.  That is huge for me, who at one time drank 6-8 cups a day.

Likewise, my stuff had control over my space when I moved in.  I had nowhere for all of it.  I kept going through and getting rid of items, layer by layer.  It’s not something that happens once and done.  It is a continuous participation of purposeful living.  It’s my first year so I fall sometimes…….and then I get right back up.

Last night I was determined, in a mood, pissed off about my debt paying for items someone else is using – (I am grappling with the fact that my most recent ex has moved someone in less than six months after I moved out.  There is a lesson there. ) and I started to go through drawers I had stuffed with paperwork and mementos when I unpacked.  Old cards, notes, emails..pictures from a relationship that was dead and buried over two years ago. 

So I decided that it was time to let it all go – to make space in my drawers, in my home, in my mind and soul.  I was ruthless.  I all went to the shredder first thing this morning.  

Honestly, I feel a small sting of regret.  That I just destroyed years of items that held meaning …but I remind myself that I have my memories, that I don’t ever actually look at that stuff, that having it was a sense of holding on to something that is gone.  I’m making room for what is next.

I will not allow things, possessions, to hold power over me anymore.

This year, I simplify.  I minimize.  I do not purchase, collect or add weight to my life with “stuff”.  This year I have already made several passes at the items I still have and each time I am able to find more that can be given or thrown away.

It’s a movement.  And it’s one I can stand behind because I’ve felt the improvement in my life.

It’s the people in my life that matter, and as I’m cleaning house I realize I need to do it at many levels.  Things will not hold space in my physical life, and people who do not deserve it will not hold space in my heart.  I will have my experiences, learn my lessons and move on with an open heart to new heights. 

Ain’t nothing holding THIS woman back.

a love letter to me

Your best friend passed yesterday and I’m going to blame the pain you are in for the phone call and texts I got from you this morning.

But I never expected to feel that feeling in my gut again.  That angry man, blaming me for some misfortune in his life feeling. 

“Someone” didn’t clean out your dresser drawers, I did.  I cleaned your whole house, with your blessing, hell AT YOUR REQUEST if you want to be honest.  I only did what you gave me license to do and I asked for your participation which you wanted nothing to do with.  So now, every time you can’t find something apparently it will be my fault.

Rethink that.  Seriously.  Because right now while I feel for the pain you are in the middle of, I am enraged and hurt that you would speak to me like that.  I feel sick to my stomach and I’d rather do anything than go home tonight. I feel like crying and I don’t know if it’s because I’m hurt or because you are showing yourself to be like everyone else.

We never talk on the phone and the one time you call me you hang up on me after making you not being able to find your keys my fault?

That’s bullshit.  That’s drama.  That’s something I’m not down for.

I’m not here to teach you how to treat me.  I’m not going to.  I’ll just leave if you don’t know how.  I promised myself no matter how far in I am, I will never waste another day with an asshole.

So don’t be an asshole.

Names i've been called

When i was in the second grade my Teacher, Mrs. Friedman, called me "Bold".  I remember her face while she said this but not why.  It was not a compliment or meant to encourage.  Without knowing exactly what this meant, I felt the sting.

To this day i can't imagine what quiet, scared - fade into the background MB ever could have said or done to be considered "Bold".  I was a shadow girl, never looking to be the center of attention, always afraid of what someone might think of me.

As a grown woman, I own my boldness.  I glory in its presence.  Welcome, and may you never leave my side.

I've been called "Clutzy" "Chubby" "Awkward" by my mother as i was growing up.  Never "capable" for getting myself ready for school every morning during elementary school with no parent there to assist,  "smart" for reading and understanding everything i could lay my hands on, or  "beautiful"........because i was a child who needed her mother to think so.

As a grown woman I am "not athletic", "soft and curvy", and "introverted".  This is who I am, and I own it.  I glory in the truth of how I am me.  Welcome, and may you never leave my side.

I've been called "bitch" by men who were weak and threatened by my ability to see through their bullshit.  "Fucking Bitch" by the same men, who could not control me any longer.

I am a bitch.  I will continue to be a bitch, hopefully a  bigger and better bitch every day.

Recently, I've been called "Surly" and "passive aggressive" by a man at work who does not actually work with me.  I had previously held respect for this man, until his name calling made me realize his weakness, and his own inability to lead.  How enlightening, and disappointing coming an educated man.

I am "assertive" and "not afraid of conflict", which means, i will not sit silently by and be maligned.  Period.  Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, at home, in public and at work.  I was scared by them as a child, but I am no longer a child.  I am a grown woman.

I do not accept abuse quietly.  Never. Again.  Welcome, strong, opinionated and sometimes wrong woman.  May you never leave my side.

I've been called "cunt", "asshole", "Fat", "stupid", "crazy"........to my face.  I'm sure i've been called more behind my back.  I've earned a few, i've been unjustly accused of others.....I do not accept any as a self identifying characteristic.

I am a grown woman, who loves hard, who is afraid of trusting, who works hard, who is afraid of not being appreciated, who loves alone time, who is afraid of being alone.  I am lazy, yet driven.  I am many many things and I am not defined by what others call me.

I am Maribeth.  Welcome, may you never leave my side.

New Year New Me....LOL

Will there ever be a time of 100% satisfaction with my life?  If i'm happy with work, my personal life seems lacking.  When my personal life is full and happy, Work is giving me issues.  Is this just the way we go?  Always looking for the next situation that needs improving or expansion?

I'm doing the thing that I always thought would be the worst.  Living alone.  The thought always filled me with sadness, a certain desperation that anything would be better than being alone.  And then one day i realized i craved it, instead of fearing it.  I finally started learning instead of trying to assert my will on people to be what i needed and wanted them to be.  I started being the person i need most.  It hasn't been easy.  I'm a tough customer. 

In realizing that I needed to have my own space, where i answered to no-one but myself (and the landlord, bill collectors and employer) I literally felt a deep sadness in me release.  No more laying my needs at the feet of others to fulfill.  No more expectations of my happiness coming from another persons need of me, love of me, wanting of me.  I stood up and took it on, finally.  For so long others have been my backbone and my measure of self worth.  Not all have been worthy themselves, to hold this much power over my vision of self.  I made poor choices and good ones.  I learned hard lessons and grew solid and dependable relationships.  I learned that physically living alone in my own space does not mean being alone.  Early on I learned how living with someone can be the loneliest experience in life but i was missing the obvious other side to that truth; that living alone can be the fullest and most satisfying experience to have.

My space.  Only myself (and Miyagi) to consider.  Do i want a comfy reading chair in the kitchen?  Yes.  Yes i do.  Do i want fragile items in high traffic areas?  yes.  White fur (fake), flowers, all the colors of the rainbow and mismatched furniture and decorations that make perfect sense to me?  yes.  My own style of clutter and everything having its place.  My living space represents what is in my head, and heart.  It represents the small storm of chaos that still takes place in my mind, probably always will.  Because, that is who i am and how i live. 

I have no control over my dreams, so i flow with them now.  I no longer wake and become upset over what my mind seems to need to replay for me over and over....what message am i giving myself?  What am i supposed to be understanding?  The full moon corresponds with my dreams....leaving me a witness to them not a participant.  Why is he here with me, again?  Or any of the "he's" that have covered my past?  What message am i to understand now?

So much turbulence in my life and yet, never have i felt such calmness, peace.  Everything will happen as it should as long as i participate in the process.  my process. I am doing it, will continue to do it. 

we should be able to write our ex's dating profiles

I'm dabbling again, seeing who and what is out there in the dating pool, cautiously sticking my toe into the water to find out if i will go swimming again.

It's not looking good, but honestly, i'm not trying very hard.  I almost feel like i've done my time, as it were, in romantic relationships.  When i say this to any of my female friends i get "you haven't had your great love yet.  it will come"  When i say this to my male friends they say "don't even bother, we are all assholes".  

Well that's the gist of it, if not the exact words. 

I feel that i have had two great loves, and that neither one was meant to last forever, and that they probably lasted a lot longer than they should have.  One, to have my beautiful children with, the other, to find my SELF with.  I don't know what i gave to them, or how i added or subtracted from their lives, and that is not for me to know.  

Maybe love really is like that plant i'm always hearing about, the one you have to water and fertilize forever, sometimes cutting the roots so it can flourish.......and sometimes it just withers away no matter what you do just because it is simply done.

Parting always hurts, but can i just say, dating is a different kind of pain?  Its like waxing.  Quick and uncomfortable and before you know it, you have to do it AGAIN.  The good part is you eventually develop a resistance to the discomfort however, i have yet to look forward to it.  Dating, or waxing.  To be clear.

I've come to the conclusion that dating sites are bullshit.  Pick one, they are all the same.  Women get flooded with "hi,hey,hello" and comments on "your lovely smile" or something to that effect.  Sometimes you get a stock letter, like when you are sending out resumes.......which no one reads either.  OR, maybe you get a smart alec who is trying way to hard to be funny, or endearing.  The same one will go on a warpath if you do not respond to said witticisms.  I don't think they have any idea how NOT original they are and how unattractive whiny "why won't you talk to me" is.  So it can get scary as well as tedious. 

Once in a while I hit on a man who is funny and articulate, who appears to be happy and have his act together.  Really.  It's true, i'm told they do in fact exist out here in dating world.  And then.......you find out why they are single.  Their dating profile failed to mention a few key facts.  Important ones.

This is why i feel like we should be able to write our ex's dating profiles, so that the details don't get conveniently lost.  Also, when they DO find a woman who will talk to them, and go out with them, they will be a match made on truths.  I find that truth saves time.  Here is my fictional man, made up of the dates and relationships i've had, explained to the average women who is just getting started out there.

Tag line:  Guess who's back?  Shady's back. 

Age:  a lot older or younger than what my pictures are showing

Location:  however far you are willing to drive to meet me

Intent: I would like you to have a relationship with me, just me, while i continue to search for the next best woman.  OR, i want to be exclusive with you for as long as you agree with me, and do everything for me.

Height: 2 inches shorter than whatever I tell you I am

Body type:  I, am balding but holding on to the hair i have left, have a flat ass and sagging balls. My legs are skinny with knobby knees topped by a beer gut.  My arms aren't strong enough for missionary for more than a minute or two so you will need to always be on top.  I hope you like it there.  

I am seeking: A model. She should be tall (or short) and blonde (or brunette, redhead) she should be slender but have a big butt and big boobs.  She should dress slutty, but not be too comfortable with her own sexuality.  She should be smart, but think what i tell her to.  She should have friends for when i want her out of my hair, but not expect me to actually know them.  She should be able to make any and all plans, which i will back out of if something better comes up.  Also, she should always be available for whatever I want to do, with a smile and no back talk.

Marital Status: Don't trust me on this, you will need to do a background check for sure

Interests:  Smoking copious amounts of weed, sitting in front of the television or on youtube, hanging out in the garage smoking more weed, hanging out with my buddies, smoking weed, Fixing muscle cars, bikes, motorcycles and snowmobiles.......as long as they aren't yours. Driving muscle cars , getting tickets, doing smoke shows, breaking parts, spending more money on muscle cars, bikes, motorcycles and snowmobiles.  I will always have money for muscle cars, motorcycles dirtbikes and snowmobiles, but i will never pay my bills on time or in full.  We will only go away for weekends or on vacation with other people. 

so why do i date at all?  Because i'm a romantic at heart, and I believe that someday.........maybe....i will find my third love.  For now though, i'm going to stop with the bullshit dating websites.  It feels more like i need to take a shower than swim with the fishes....