i wore white shorts

 was just thinking that although i have a little ways to go still before i am back to my "comfortable" wieght and size, i'm feeling pretty damn good in my skin again.  About time.

Even when asshole would make comments (about all women all the time) it wouldn't bother me aside from the audacity.  I feel good about myself, how i look, where i'm headed and how i FEEL.  Yesterday i did a yoga pose that is relatively easy and i used to do it all the time because it feel amazing.  For years i couldn't do it because my knees wouldn't tolerate it and i had a hard time getting back up.

Not anymore.  Yes, i creak, but i can DO IT again.  And it feels sooooo good.

I went to see MM's band play Saturday night with Cindy and I didn't feel shy to be seen. AND i wore white shorts....me.  on purpose.  White shows all the sins of a womans body.  I felt cute.  Thats my first sign with getting there.......dressing is so much easier.  Shoes, not so much.  I have been wearing heals but very tentatively because i walk like a trucker in heels.  Not really.  I just fall and break bones.

But not this summer.  I've been wearing platforms and sandals with a little heal and managing to NOT fall.  It' the strength in my legs and ankles that i've been working on, and the wieght loss helps.  And the confidence.  It's all about thinking you can, and then you actually do. 

In other words, patting self on back, i'm feeling awesome.

Do i have the body of a 20 year old? Hell no. That time is over.  Let the youngsters live their glory days.  I'm secure and don't need anyones attention but my man.....which i don't have, so even better.  They have a way of lifting you up, or taking you down a few pegs and i don't need either.

Speaking of.  Talking to two men is interesting.  Both are aware i'm not into sleeping with them yet and i'm taking things very slow.  One or both will lose interest and that will be fine.  Better to know.  OR one or both will actually like my company and getting to know me (more importantly me getting to know THEM).........and that will be glorious.  Or not.  There are a lot of men out there, and as i'm feeling better (i.e. slimmer) they are taking interest.  Fuck em.  I was the same wonderful woman i am now last year and the year before.  I know thats not a popular opinion, law of attraction and all that, but lets be honest, they are aging also and that hasn't deterred me from dating them.  

No more wounded men who haven't done the work to heal, or at least understand themselves.  I'm not a replacement for mommy trauma.  I have my own and manage not to torture them with it.

Little bit heated.  hmmm.  But L and MM have been treating me very well.  Its early.  Theres no competition, or camparision, i'm just living my life the way that feels right and good to me.

creative spurt and learning to date

 I purged all my "junk" again and managed to get my craft supplies organized.  I purchased a long thin table and put it next to my desk, where i work remotely 2 days a week.  I wanted a space to keep out my art supplies, and an area to work on things without having to clean it up or move it around so i could work.  Now i have my "work" area and my "art" area......My home is shaping up after doing one clean sweep and throwing a lot away that i haven't touched in years.

I have some cool plans on how to use my old childhood books.  Most i will give to the kids and they can decide what to do with them. (They asked me to NOT throw or give them away) Whatever they do will be fine.  BUT i kept 3 and i have big plans that i'm excited about.  Now that i have an area set up that i don't have to tear down constantly, i may actually complete these!!

So closets, dressers, corners and tops of things have all been blown through and cleaned out.  I'm feeling nice and calm but i'm still going to sage this place. AND i will be doing a banishing spell for THAT man later this afternoon.  I don't want to wait for another full moon and i just missed this one.  If i have to, i'll just do it again!!

No, i'm not "woowoo" but i do believe in the power of intention and anything that helps me solidify my cutting ties with Mr. Cigar, i am doing.  I must remind myself that man got himself arrested and then instead of being embarrassed over his OWN behavior he got pissed at everyone else, and even tried to insinuate it was partially MY fault!  GTFO loser.  That was the final straw.  

The man i went riding with, L.....we have a bit of a history.  Dated him briefly 2 years ago, found out he is a womanizer (through that bullshit facebook page "are we dating the same guy") and cut him off abruptly and without ceremony.  He's tall, handsome, doesn't seem to have a temper although i'm sensing a general "woah is me" vibe going on with him.  He has a lot of miles though and rides the cadillac of Harleys and is good company......i feel safe on the bike with him. I've changed over the past couple of years and so i'm assuming has he.  I don't hold punches, i'm direct and i say whats on my mind most of the time.  I have nothing to lose.  He seems to appreciate that and has been very direct with me in turn.

We had decided to keep it at a "friendship" place due to all the surrounding complications going on with both of us. I'm not looking to tie down with the next guy so soon after this rollercoaster ride with Mr. Cigar.  The next relationship i get into must be purposeful and with someone who is appropriate, as unromantic as that sounds.

Meanwhile, enter Music Man....who does not hide his interest in me.  Is very frank, and upfront.  Met first time Friday night and had a really nice date in Middletown. No jumping my bones, but also no tearing up like a baby when he kissed me and i giggled. (I did accidentally make one man get teary because i giggled when he kissed me...........that was a NO GO)  It was a good vibe.  I enjoyed his company.

Last night I picked up Cindy and we drove out to Stamford to watch his band play.  He made no secret about being happy i was there, and even walked over to me while playing and did some very obvious flirting.  It wasn't pissing on a tree, but it was "she's with me" which i appreciated.   I do seem to get my attention.....He smiles genuinely, goofs around and has a lot of people who tell me what an outstanding guy he is.  How?  Because he introduced me to people, like literally brought them over to me during thier breaks......

So, very nice, fun, well liked - no drugs, doesn't drink, loves animals, no baby mamas lurking in the background........(for L either now that i think of it) and he likes me too. 

Two totally different men.  Last night on the way home L texted me and asked how my date went friday night.  I said i had fun.  Then he said he was thinking a lot about me.   I told him "you must be horny" to be funny and he got pretty serious.  Yes, of course, thats an always, but no.....that wasn't the main thought. 

Music Man asked me out for today, last night.  

I'm not going to see either of them today.  I've had enough men this weekend.  I'm finding that scarcity is attractive, both ways.  I don't need to stop seeing either one, or tell them i'm seeing anyone else.  I need to actually DATE them and get to know them slowly over time.  NOT sleep with them.  

I'm a grown up.  I can do whatever i want.  And i can take my sweet time doing it.

Musician Man otherwise known as MM

I know.

Another new one.

I actually get asked out pretty regularly, which makes me wonder why I don't say yes more often.  Maybe because it's too much work.  Or i'm not interested in the man who asks? Or they work with me?

There's usually a reason.

About a month ago i started talking to a man on facebook who has friends in common with me. He is a musician, plays bass and of course, is in a band.  He is 65 years old and still rocks out.  I didn't take the conversation too seriously but then he asked to meet me and i agreed.  That was a couple of weeks ago.  I cancelled on him the day before and told him i wasn't really mentally available for dating and i apologized.

He didn't go away.  Once in a while he'd send me a message, and i would answer and that would be it.  He didn't want me to forget him.

But i was focused on Bill.  I wasn't looking for another man or as Bill says "keeping one on back up"......like HE does.  I don't treat people like backup plans.  Its shitty.  And i had been clear with MM that i was "in it" with someone.

After the whole blow up with Bill, I thought about reaching out, but didn't.  I don't want to fill that empty space with a temporary high of attention from someone else.  I just want to get used to the fact that Bill is no longer in my life and that is the way it has be be for my happiness and mental health.  I deserve better.

MM reached out to me, and i responded.  Then i started thinking "why the hell don't i go out with a man who pursues me?  I'm single.  I HAVE been single, acting like i wasn't.  So......I asked HIM out.  And his answer was "Absafuckinlutely".

So tonight at some point we are going to meet up.  I'm thinking Middletown, by the river.  We talk our asses off so we can walk, be on the water, maybe get ice cream or whatever.  Relaxed.  No pressure.  Just meeting up.

I'm not feeling butterflies, my nervous system feels dead.  But from what hear, that's how normal people feel.  It's not him.  It's me not putting the cart before the horse.

65 is really pushing it for me.........but if I recall correctly, Mr. Tattoo is 65 now.  And he was the BEST lover i ever had.  So.  Ya never know.  Not that i'll be finding out too quickly.  

blocked

 I don't like doing it, because i like to know when crazy is stirring up again, but I did it anyways.

I blocked Mr. Cigar.  Everywhere.

Tomorrow I am casting a banishing spell to cut energetic ties between us, and i'm doing a cleansing ritual in my apartment.

Think what you will.  It works.

I'm taking full control and i'm removing him and his energy from my life.  I do not want him popping up again.

In the past, i've unblocked him and he has contacted me or vice versa and as soon as we talk, that's it, i'm in again.  I imagine it's like crack.  An addiction, an obsession, whatever it is, very unhealthy.

One year is more than enough time to waste on any man that doesn't bring peace to my life.  Bye Bill.  Byyeeeee.

Wish i could say it was nice knowing you.

Nice to be back

 Last Saturday i went for an all day ride with L.  We had dated briefly a couple of years ago, went on a nice ride on his bike during a rainy day on the shoreline (which was a lot nicer than i expected) last year and when he reached out again recently I was all about going for another nice ride.

He is tall, handsome, checks all the boxes and most importantly has a lot of miles on his ride .....but i don't see it being anything more than riding companions once in a while.  He is a little flakey.  But i'm safe with him.  

We got together to go for a ride and to compare stories of our crazy love lives.  I won't go into his business, or write too much about Mr. Cigars drama life......but they are kinda similar, only flipped.  L had his "roommate" arrested, and Mr. Cigars "roommate" had him arrested.

Thats where the similarities end.

And yes, i totally lied to Mr. Cigar about my whereabouts last Saturday because I don't owe him any information about my personal life.  Do i feel bad that I lied to him?  No.  Thats our environment and HE created it.  I felt bad that i DIDN'T feel bad.  Hear the doom toll ringing?

I can't remember what i've written about where he is concerned but it's over.  Again.  And this time i told Sarah everything and she told me if i ever speak to him again she is going to tell Cathy and they will hold an intervention.  

I wonder if i can get sent away to a spa?

Probably not.

Anyways.  It ended the way it always does.  He says something, i call him on it, he gets angry and threatens, i still call him on it, and he breaks up with me over text in a cruel and uncaring way.  Per usual.  For someone who calls me predictable......he would know.  

This time, what i'm truly believing is the last time, I felt nothing but relief.  I've been in a relationship with him and it's been one sided.  Now we are even.  We are both free to pursue our lives without each other, and for ME, thats a blessing.  I'm not mad, i'm relieved.  I was mad.  I was insulted.  But isn't that the norm with him?  

His arrest is what really put a bad taste in my mouth.  I know she's crazy and vindictive but he pushed her.  He put his hands on her and she told him she was going to ruin his life.......and so far she is doing an excellent job.  Because it was a domestic arrest he had to turn in all his guns, and that means no more competitive shooting......His life is pretty much on hold an in ruins. And he did it to himself.  He hollered at me when he was yet again talking about what assholes the police where and how she should have also been arrested, and all his rhetoric about the state being liberal and him being a successful white man......the more i listened to him the more i disliked him.  I said AGAIN, well you put your hands on her.  The arrest wasnt' personal.  The state doesn't care about the details of you lovelife.  And he lost his mind on me.  

Poooor Mr. Cigar.  

Constantly makes his own bed but can't sleep in it.

It's been days since i heard from him and as far as i'm concerned that is the blessing in my life.  I won't block him again.....yet.  But i also won't go through this nonsense again.  What more do i need to know?  He got arrested and still can't take accountability for his actions.  What i know is that i don't want to be part of it.  That's way too low for me.  Thank you.

Yesterday it was storming and i stayed home and spent the day purging my apartment doing the Swedish Death Cleaning.  It's time for me to get rid of stuff i've been dragging around so i can make peaceful space in my life.  Both physicaly and mentally.  It's time for a serious cleansing and reset.  I went so crazy that I have no idea where i put my toothpaste.....which i found out this morning.  

Maybe i better take it a little easy.  LOL

transitioning

 

I feel a shift occuring where i'm noticing my own behavior rather than "his".

So much has been happening, that rollercoaster ride i never wanted to get on but completely did.  Hell i pushed my way to the front of the line knowing i hate rollercoaster rides........

This morning his first text was a picture of his ex, laughing because she is coming up in his "possible friends" list telling me he has her blocked.  Not good morning.  Just a picture of her and a transparent lie.....so i took some time to respond because, you know, having feelings is "crazy".

he of course doesn't take accountability, just puts it back on me for "starting this shit so early".....which i find kind of funny and kind of sad.  Self centered much?  

Last text i sent him was "tell me more about your roommate who had you arrested".......and not a peep from him since.  That, will be considered a low blow and will be me being crazy.

Yet, it's true.

His screen shot of her face also showed his Pokes, messages waiting to be read and number of comments on a page i'm still blocked from.  Not a couple, lots and lots of activity.  Good for him.  He's got others he can obsess about his ex to.

Last night he yelled at me because i had apparently said "you put your hands on her, you deserved to be arrested" a total of 3  times, he was counting.  I was listening to him bitch about how he was treated by the police.  I told him again it wasn't personal, they were doing there job and he admitted to pushing her.  It doesn't matter that she ommitted her part....they have a job to do.  She didn't put her hands on him.  Thats why she didn't get arrested.

He could have walked away.  He didn't.  And now, he has a couple of months of fighting everyone in the system because he didn't deserve that.

difficulty regulating emotions under stress

externalizing blame

conflict escalating instead of de-escalating

believing consequences are mostly caused by other people

And he can't see it.

And i'm foolish.  And am finally seeing it.

Now all the other charges he's had throughout his life are coming out ......several DUI's, he's been arrested for domestic once before (both were).........lots of little tid bits he never mentioned because they didnt stay on his record.  The man has a shit ton of guns and a permit.  Which he now had to turn over because of this arrest.  And it's HER fault that he handed her the golden ticket to ruin his life, which she said she was going to do as she dialed 911.

Both of them are addicted to each other and to the toxic relationship that they find so exciting that they will ruin their lives over it.

So this morning, after reading Mr. Cigars text I felt a door slam shut.  Nooooo not the main door, i'm working my way down the hallway slamming doors left and right but i won't lie to myself and say i'm done yet.  Because i'm not a liar.  Stupid, but not a liar.

Also this morning i get a text from another man, "good morning beautiful"......we know i hate those texts but today it was funny because..........look at the difference in texts.  An exes face, and a beautiful ......which would any sane person prefer?

So i respond and think about suggesting another ride........then i stop myself.  No.  I will not do this.  I will not reach out to a new guy because the current guy isn't mine and never will be in a healthy way.  I will finish this trash situation for good before i even think about another man.

I don't need to get reassurance, or support from a man.  I need to get my shit straight and stop letting the current, not current, man use me as a support dog while he goes through shit with his ex.  roommate.  Whatever he is calling her today.

This feels good. I'm being honest that i haven't hit my limit yet, and i'm recognizing past behaviors of needing another mans approval to feel better.

Fuck that noise.  My life is full, is good, and the only thing giving me stress at the moment is the man i supposedly love...but how is that love when he knows almost nothing about me after a year of this.

Ugh.  too much brain power is being wasted on someone who has a huge backup line with no intention of ever being with me without talking about and obsessing over his ex, not ex, roommate whatever the fuck she is.

Notice the pattern.

He introduces the drama.

I respond to the drama.

I become the problem.

That's a cycle.

Not a relationship.

A position.

The position of "the one who listens."

"The one who understands."

"The one who stays."

"The one who sees the good in him."

Those are roles.

They're not intimacy.

Real intimacy sounds more like:

"What made you cry this week?"

"What are you excited about?"

"How's Koda?"

"How's work?"

"What are you painting?"

"What book are you reading?"

"What scares you?"

I have a rich life.

Reading.

my journal and Travelers Notebook.

Work i'm proud of.

Koda.

Weight loss, improving my health

Art dabbling

My growing family

These things rarely become the center of the conversation.

His crisis does.

That's not love growing.

That's my life orbiting someone else's chaos.

never difficult

 Not to sound overly confident but getting dates isn't difficult for me, or any woman really (as Mr. Cigar liked to tell me)  I do, however, get asked out by handsome guys so.....i'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.  He sure is.

Last night was hard.  I talked to a nice man i met on Facebook, we have friends in common and he's a musician. We chatted and then he called me.  Great convo.  seems nice.  We are meeting in Middletown tomorrow night.  

Saturday im going for that ride which i desperately need.  The guy isn't someone i want to date and he knows it.  I was very blunt about it.  But if he's offering me the kind of therapy i need.......i am going.  That will help clear my head.

I'm getting angry now.  About the time wasted, the push and pull, the games that were played.  Those two chaotic people have an illness and they'd be doing the world a favor if they just stayed together and left everyone else out of it.  But crazy needs an audience. 

I want to go see my sweet Henry this weekend and get some baby loving in, give the kids a little break.  I am hoping my daughter will let me know when she's coming to see them so i also get to see her.  That might be hoping for too much.

I'm frustrated with her too.  The withdrawals kill me and i'm torn between being "too much" or letting her have her space.  I hate it.  The other side is that she has an opinion about everything i do, and it's never a good one.  So, really i'm not missing that part at all.  

My life is transitioning and i feel it.  Like and earthquake where everything is getting shook up and god knows what it looks like when it's done.

I'm hurt.  But i'm okay.