Walking Barefoot in Snow

 can't find the dongle thing for my keyboard and mouse so i'm trying to type on a laptop with long nails......grrrr. Busy day - today i work remote and during lunch i have to run to the police station and give them my fingerprints and money.  I let my pistol permit expire, for like, years, and now i had to start all over again. I've been trying to get my prints done since June.  This town isn't a big fan of permits. Still doing it. And then, before the years end i will own a gun.    I've got friends with guns so i can try out a bunch but i have my own thoughts and I think it's pretty personal.....like asking what color underware i have on.  None of your damn business.  Both do the job without you knowing anything about them. hahahaha. Last night after work i met a man at the canal and went for a walk on the walking path.  Only 2 miles.  One mile out and then back.  We sat and talked until it started getting dark and when the last people ...

 Last night i went live on TikTok again while i did my manicure.  Sometimes when i go live no one really "sticks" to have a conversation with, so i wait about 5-10 minutes and see who pops up and starts to talk. Last night was active.  A small group, but chatty.  It's me chatting, and them typing. I have to learn how to bring people in so they can talk live as well.  Someday.  No rush. What surprised me was the ex of 13 years popping in again and staying for a long time.  That has to be strange to him, watching me talk to a bunch of men i don't know.  It is mostly men although sometimes i get lucky and a few women join.  Thats more fun for me.  It's like a big party.  Anyways, some people are "regulars" and we've developed a sort of banter, and have a little background from previous conversations. I'm not sure i would like to watch an ex flirt.......however, i do encourage and tease him when he's in the live.  My bestie hates t...

 This blog is like a friend i run to whenever i have something to tell, but can't tell anyone because they will share their opinion and i don't care to hear it.  So here i am again today. Mr. Tattoo reached out and we had a very short text convo. I hate that when i saw his face pop up on my screen my heart lurched.  and that I smiled.  Big and stupid. And then i engaged.  Happily. URGH. why do you INDULGE MB? It is easier to talk to him now.  I'm not waiting for any confirmation of hope.  He's just a guy.  Someone elses guy.  I've changed.  That experience changed me. I started developing self-respect and setting boundaries - I know what a quality man is and what they expect.  A quality woman.   I was coming off my wild days, my "experience everything i possibly can so i have no regrets and i'm SINGLE dammit" faze. I did indeed have many experiences i no longer need to wonder about, or regret not trying.  The timing w...

 yesterday i looked up from my project at work and realized i had stayed past the time i "can" leave.  It was so quiet and i was so involved with what i was doing, the time flew. I love moments like that, when i'm so absorbed, not distracted - just, ON. The only other time that happens is in bed, with an outstanding partner.  Time doesn't matter, or even exist. I miss that. On the way in to work i heard "Got what i got" by Jason Aldean and man......that song hits me in the feels.  I want that.  Unrealistic? perhaps.  But...that is what i want; to invoke that kind of feeling and emotion in ONE man.  I have felt this way with a few men, and the feelings were not returned. So. On with my work, my happiness spending time in my home, making plans for the future as a single dingle and plans to travel with my friends and family.  This is what i look forward to, and can depend on. No, i'm not sad.  I'm reflecting on everything i have in my life to be...

 i wrote a very choppy and disconnected ramble about poverty, affordable housing and living in a town where people are allergic to both. I'm not sure i will post it.  It's a sign of the times when i re-think stating my opinions publicly.  I may.  But it will need supportive information and data - because it will piss people off if it gets read. So...... My first cruise.  My daughter has graciously agreed to babysit my precious Miyagi for the time i am away, because i do not want to bring him on a ship or outside of the United States and run into ANY issues.  I am not sure how i will go that long without him.  We've been together for 10 years and i've only ever spent one night (24 hours) away from him.  However, he loves my daughter and granddaughter, is very at home in their home, and gets along with their cats, papichoochoo and Sushi.  She said she will take him to work with her, so he will be going on a grand adventure and will probably not...

 Last week Mr. Cigar wants to talk to me......i ignore him.  He's in the dead to me pile. Friday night i go out with my friends to watch live music and someone i dated was there with a mutual friend who had warned me ahead of time.  When we got there, the place is small and i was with one of the bands.  He wasn't going to NOT know i was there.  So ......while my friends were at the bar getting drinks i went and just sat down next to him at the table.  He turns to see who just sat down uninvited and i got the double take look. Big smile and "ohh" and then his face changed, So i said hello and saw you here, how've you been, High fived our friend and pretty much ran from the table.  I did what i had to do as a decent non bitch human being. Aaaaaannnnnd i felt his eyes on me most of the night. I had a lot of people to hide behind.  Our mutual messaged me and told me the guy i dated was having "residual feelings" which i found funny coming out of a man...

Mr. Cigar just reached out again.  Wants to know if i'm open to a conversation with him, he would like to see me if i'm not seeing anyone.... I ALMOST responded "Show me proof you got a lobotomy and I might consider it"..........but i refrained.  I will not give him the satisfaction of opening that door.  Not happening.  It's not worth blocking him either because he finds a way to reach me through different accounts of his.  It's not for any love of me either, it's only because he can't get me to respond.  I can't win.   Why him though?  Never Mr. Tattoo. Never anyone i would want a second chance with.   Fuck my life.  I'm doomed to date assholes or be single.   Maybe i'll meet someone tonight, or not.  But i WILL have a good time.......it's already begun.  

 I can't wait for tonight.  It's no big deal, just going to see a band i know with my friends.  I haven't been out like this for months.....I don't have to drive, I will know some people there ("i'm with the band") and i'm ready to just let the darkness go for a few hours and cut loose.  Have a few drinks, dance a little, flirt a little if i'm lucky, and know that i'm going home with people i love.   Sounds like a good night.   Tomorrow I go shopping with Doug so he can pick the steaks and then home to get ready for the shenanigans gathering.  I'm less ready for that. I feel pretty guarded in a group i never used to feel guarded in.  I think it's because i grew boundaries, my life took a different direction, I grew out of the craziness and wild times i indulged in for a while and .......now i'm boring.  Last night in the chat one of the women was very obvious with her comments about spending quality time with Eddie.  There was ...

 The dark cloud is still hanging over my head.  I wear my red lipstick, i plaster on a smile and i head out the door to go to work and pretend all is right with the world in my head. It's not that anything is wrong.  It's just........not right.  I'm just sad.  short tempered.  Thats just how it is right now, and it will eventually pass.   Last night i pulled out my Dirt shirt.....thats the bands name, and I haven't done anything to the shirt since it was given to me.  I needed to cut it up, add some me to it so i can wear it Friday night.  So i started cutting, and then i got freaked out because i "messed it up" and thought "how can i fix this mess" so i grabbed my box of doo da's and found a heavier chain necklace, grabbed my box of safety pins and went to town.  While i was doing it i was concerned that this is more of a punk look....and then i decided i like it and if anyone else doesn't, that is none of my business.   ...

 My daughter hates that i am hyper vigilant around people i don't know......The reason i prefer the country over the city is........LESS PEOPLE.   More people, more potential for idiots who think it's a good idea to bother me, or someone i'm with. It's not. Especially if i'm alone.  When i'm alone, it's literally no holds barred.  I do not care if i embarrass myself, i will get really aggressive and really LOUD with anyone who thinks they are going to intimidate me.  MEN, when a MAN thinks he is going to intimidate me.  I have no fear.  I have a lot of built up aggression that needs an outlet and the man who thinks i'm an easy target is gonna be sorry he woke up that morning. I've been scrolling the internet and my algorithm keeps showing me abusive situations, either by a loved one or a stranger. It's making me all kinds of mad. I've taken a LOT of shit from men i've loved in the past but never them physically abusing me.  The day i lay ...

 I don't know how she puts up with me sometimes.  She is the only one that I talk to almost daily, because she calls me.  If i don't answer, she texts me to answer my phone.  She doesn't let me not talk to her. She is the one who is going to know i'm missing if i'm ever missing.  She will be the one to send up the alarms.  She is probably the only one who cares for me at that level.   And yesterday i answered her call, grumpy about it. I'm still struggling with the dreaded "D" word. She says "I called you yesterday and you didn't answer" and i said "I don't want to talk to anyone on Sundays" (which is true) and she said "SINCE WHEN"....she gives me shit.  Because she is the only one who can.  And i give HER shit, because i'm not scared of her.   Yell all you want I aint skeert.  We are total opposites - yet have remained friends for over 50 years.  We have plans to terrorize a nursing home when we are too old t...

 

 just saw a video of a man i follow saying "If that man keeps finding a way to contact you even though you have blocked him in every way possible....he is the one.  OR he is completely pyscho." Hmm. When speaking to Mr. Cigars ex/not ex - she told me that he always found a way to reach back out to her on facebook.  That was his modus operandi.  Is, apparently.  And he doesn't hide who he is.  He says nothing, just sends the eyeballs emoji.  Like a psycho.  I've stopped blocking because it doesn't seem to matter.  I'd rather just ignore him, and refuse to give him access.  He needs mental help.  A true Narcissist and i hate using that word because it seems like every woman uses it for every break up. I have a bad habit of attracting Narcissists.  But Mr. Cigar, he is so textbook it's not funny. Has me on edge, and that's not good for me.......or him.  Last night i started watching the documentary "One Night in Idaho" by acc...

 I stayed in bed until 8am.  Yes, i was scrolling my phone, but still........i was in bed.  Also, i made coffee and brought it BACK to bed.....so yes, technically, i remained in bed until 8am. I have a hard time staying up past 9pm.  And then i can't sleep past 6:30 at the latest.  When did that happen? Yesterday, i was ready for bed by 7pm at the birthday party.   I got to hold, okay, i TOOK the 6 day old premie babie and cradled his little body for a longggg time.  I layed him in my lap so i could see him, and he could strettttttttch his tiny body.  This little boy, normally, would still be baking in the womb.......but here he is, tiny and mighty, in my lap.  His tiny hands, his tiny FEET.  OMG.  New mamma was happy to be with her family and socialize, but new daddy, stayed close.  He talked about all the things CJ does already.......sleep, eat, poop.   He is a very nice young man, very in tune with his sons wh...

 i'm feeling nyself baby!  Hit a goal this morning when i stepped on the scale.  Did a little happy dance, and now it's time to work on the next goal.  It feels good to see results.  Slowly.....but getting there. Mr. FB texted me at 2pm yesterday saying he hadn't heard from me.  I ignored the text.  If he was actually wondering why he hadn't heard from me, he would have asked me in the morning.  Something better came up for him, and it didn't work out, so he reached back out to me.  I'm not slow Mr. FB.  Better luck next time....with someone else. Yesterday i cleaned out my closet.  Literally.  The big scary one with all the stuff that has no other place to go lives.  My craft supplies.  I needed to evaluate what i have so i don't repurchase (no spend remember) and also, to throw away the stuff i've been holding on to for years but haven't actually used.  Now the closet is leaner, and i can find what i need easil...

 Doug and Jen invited me to go to Philly for the weekend.  The last time we went we were in search of the worlds best pork sandwich.  It was closed.  So we are trying it again in a few weeks.  Only this time, we invited Eddie to come with us. I smell a set up. Here's the thing.  I adore Eddie.  We are very easy with each other, like we've been a couple for decades.  But we aren't.  We  talk to each other once in a while, text each other disgusting jokes occasionally, and always gravitate towards each other when the whole group is together. Eddie is easy. So away we four (not our usual 3) will go for a long weekend.  And then we come back to our normal lives. There's no one to piss off.  He's single, i'm single.  So for now, it works.  He knows me.  He's seen and heard about the guys i date and how it ends up.  He probably thinks i'm insane.  He is probably also entertained by my stories.  Anyways -...

 back to work.  I've been out sick since Monday afternoon.  It's a combination of med changes and mental health, i think.  All i did was sleep.  get up, eat something, go back to the couch or bed and sleep some more.  I was dizzy and nauseous sometimes vomiting bile.  I thought it was worthy of not being around people. I agreed to a phone call with FB man Tuesday night.  It was supposed to be short, but he is a talker.  Seems like a nice man.  Maybe a touch of Aspberbers?  Something.  The great thing was he talked to me like a person, no sexual innuendos.  No testing the waters.  Just a nice conversation.  He did tell me that he was scrolling facebook and saw my profile picture which was "gorgeous," and he realized we had a friend in common so he took the chance and reached out.  He was very happy i responded. (ha, wait till he meets me in person and realizes i'm not gorgeous) Obviously, this reminds me of M...

essential need  

 It's happening again.  I knew it was coming with my apathetic attitude and road rage.  It's here. That feeling. I went to work this morning and could barely contain myself from crying.  I hate this feeling.  So before it got any worse, i excused myself, and came home.  And slept. and slept some more.  Now i'm up and ....quiet.  Nothing holds my interest.  I tried to watch a movie, television, read my book, looked at my paints and considered experimenting........no, nope, and nope.   So i scrolled mindlessly and got an unpleasant shock.  I forgot to block him on instagram, and there was his face with what is supposed to be a funny look.  Not funny to me. So now i feel sick to my stomach also.  I had really hoped to never see his face again.   I'm not usually like that.  But then, i never got choked out before either.  That fucker. And looking at his picture i wonder to myself, how the hell does he ...

The Core Shift 2016: Love is a fight, breakups are battles, healing is about removing the invader. Now: Love is optional, life is wide, healing is ongoing, and you are the center of your own story.

 I listened to a podcast this morning from "Modern Love" regarding kink, and rope play.  This was put out by the New York Times so i don't think the purpose was for titillation as much as information.  I found myself really listening as i was getting ready for work. I know a bit about this. About pain in general and about very specific purposeful pain. I don't want to write about it, there are a lot of great articles and ways to find out the details from sources that are a lot more knowledgeable and articulate than i am. What i got caught up on was the speakers experience of release - It's not sexual, although after the release there is gratitude an union on both sides of the rope, the top and bottom.  So while it can certainly turn into sex it doesn't have to.  Thats not the point in the grand scheme of things. Back in the day i spent some time in bondage clubs because i was writing a paper on deviant sexual behavior for a psychology class i was taking at the...

 I've never experienced a man as seeing me as smart first.  fuckable maybe, cute possibly. some may even find me funny.   how am I presenting myself? I think it's time for a really good haircut. I think I need to revamp my wardrobe. I think it's time for my appearance to match my inner self.  I don't feel like a rough and tumble biker girl or a free-spirited hippie anymore. looking at my clothes I see and extreme divide between one role or the other. but then there's my work wardrobe which is classic.  with the weight slowly coming off, I think it's time to reevaluate how I am presenting myself to people in public. 

 I repeated my dreams out loud to myself in the shower this morning so i could remember, write it down and try to interpret them later. I'm in a restaurant with a bunch of my friends, and i have my cat in a stroller.  We are all sitting at a table wrapped in blankets waiting to order and i can't decide so i let them choose for me.  I let ninja out of the stroller because the waiter says they have cats in the restaurant because of mice, and i say she is the best hunter.  The food comes and i'm so happy because i'm hungry.  But it's jammy eggs.....disgusting.  I'm so upset.  Everyone is telling me to eat it, it's so good.  I want to puke.  Then they all leave the table and i'm sitting there wondering what the hell is going on.  I look at the other tables and they are filled with Diablos.  The mc club.  I wonder if my friend is here, but i start trying to get ninja back in the stroller so i can go find my friends.  I can't ca...

 What the hell am i buying? Today after work my bestie and her husband are coming to pick up the deck swing i HAD TO HAVE and bring it to their new house, where they have the space and will probably use it. (They also have the beautiful deck furniture i bought for the house in Wolcott about a year before i had to move out due to the breakup) So i can visit it all.  And be reminded not to buy any more stuff. In fairness, i wanted the deck swing for a long time.  Years.  I pictured myself lounging on my deck reading my book.  The reality is that it's not very comfortable to lounge on.  It's more of a sit and swing while you talk to someone and have a glass of wine or two. I don't have people over very often.  Perhaps that should change......no probably not. Anyways, I inherited a huge grill (and yes, i managed to set it up and use it all by myself after a few tries) and between the swing and the grill, something has to give. I chose the grill. And here w...

 I'm lucky. I live in a beautiful area and most times i drive through it not even paying attention. This morning, I did. Whats that saying?  Appreciate what you have and don't worry about what you don't have. Succinct. Dressing a little artsy today, with the flowy trendy pants and a beautiful see-through top (that i have a tank under obviously)  Jewelry, crazy hair, red lips.  Platform Sorel sandals........i'm feeling myself today. Nice to go into my closet and know whatever i choose will fit.  It won't be too tight.  i won't look like a stuffed sausage.  If anything, it may be too big.  and thats easy to fix. Saw my GP yesterday, and actually requested she up my dose of meds.  Im feeling pretty bitchy lately- and literally nothing to bitch about.  She told me to go back to therapy and gave me an additional script for "as needed".   I'm happy.  But i'm not happy.  Everything is setting me off.  Stupid stuff is se...

I understand being curious - i reach out to Mr. Tattoo once in a while because, lets face it - i'm curious. Is he happy?  How's his dog.  Has he retired? Does he have everything he hoped to have? Why? I don't know. Do i need a reason? But i don't reach out thinking we don't have a past, or that nothing happened and broke off.  He crosses my mind as the one that would have been perfect for me if he had wanted anything beyond a situationship.  I valued everything about him.  I enjoyed his company.  (in retrospect i would not have gotten so completely shitfaced in front of him.  Something i rarely do)  His ways just made me comfortable, and happy. And he lit me up sexually.  Can't forget that.  I could say he set the standard.  But stalking isn't something i've particpated in since my ex.  I did stalk that man on social media, and via text and any way i could because my need to poke my wound was so strong.  I punished myself ...

 Audacity -  boldness or daring, especially with confident or arrogant disregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or other restrictions . Synonyms: foolhardiness, temerity, grit, spunk, nerve. I have Mr. Cigar blocked on all ways to reach me short of showing up at my house - which, in a way, i wish a motherfucker would. Hearting my profile picture on facebook from a different account that has his name on it is so.....not surprising. He probably has multiple accounts because he gets blocked on the regular.  When i get blocked, i figure its because the person has no desire to ever hear from me, or speak to me again.  It's kind of clear to a normal person. A psycho though, will find ways around it. I blocked him on that account to.  Go fuck yourself.  I literally can't stand him.  A lying cheating fake of a "man"......water seeks it's level.  I don't think he knows that i know all about him.  That i have had women reach out to me after...

 I understand imposter syndrome.  Every time i have to compile a report that is for the leadership....i'm thinking "are they crazy letting me do this?" I mean, i know i know how..........but......i just feel like an imposter. sometimes. And a cook.  Lately, i've been actually cooking recipes that i find so interesting.  I've been looking at Vegan recipes because they are usually high in protein, and taste great.  This is a bean salad that i served with a Red Hot.....which is kinda funny. I'm easily bored with cooking- so this new spurt of interest is only because i'm still losing weight and would like to keep it off- so changing how I eat will depend on finding things i really enjoy that are actually good for me.  This salad has a kick to it......and i like beans, so win win.  Back to physical therapy and my balance is SUCK.....Stand up straight with your feet together then close your eyes.  I'm fine until i close my eyes........they, i'm tipping ...