Changes

 I've never experienced a man as seeing me as smart first.  fuckable maybe, cute possibly. some may even find me funny.  

how am I presenting myself?

I think it's time for a really good haircut. I think I need to revamp my wardrobe. I think it's time for my appearance to match my inner self. 

I don't feel like a rough and tumble biker girl or a free-spirited hippie anymore. looking at my clothes I see and extreme divide between one role or the other. but then there's my work wardrobe which is classic. 

with the weight slowly coming off, I think it's time to reevaluate how I am presenting myself to people in public. 

Dreams and cancelled dates

 I repeated my dreams out loud to myself in the shower this morning so i could remember, write it down and try to interpret them later.

I'm in a restaurant with a bunch of my friends, and i have my cat in a stroller.  We are all sitting at a table wrapped in blankets waiting to order and i can't decide so i let them choose for me.  I let ninja out of the stroller because the waiter says they have cats in the restaurant because of mice, and i say she is the best hunter.  The food comes and i'm so happy because i'm hungry.  But it's jammy eggs.....disgusting.  I'm so upset.  Everyone is telling me to eat it, it's so good.  I want to puke.  Then they all leave the table and i'm sitting there wondering what the hell is going on.  I look at the other tables and they are filled with Diablos.  The mc club.  I wonder if my friend is here, but i start trying to get ninja back in the stroller so i can go find my friends.  I can't catch her and the waiter keeps bringing me cats that aren't her.  Finally i get her but she won't go in the carriage.  My friends son, Junior, trys to help me and i ask him where did everyone go?  Then i look again and the people have all melty faces with big uneven eyes.  

Now I'm in the house i grew up in.  I have to get ready for school but i don't want to shower in the only bathroom because it's dirty and i hate it.  I decide to get ready without a shower and i'm furious.  I go outside to catch the bus.  Now i'm walking down the yard of the house i owned with me ex husband.  It's on a corner and i don't know which street the bus stop is on.  I realize i should drive, but there's no cars in the driveway.

When i woke up it was to the alarm, which means i woke up late.  So because of these dreams i'm like "WTF".....i'm already starting this day on the wrong foot.  I look at my phone, Mr. Batts had texted me in the middle of  the night - trying to sexy talk.

another WTF.

Do i need to repeat myself to him?  No i ignore it.  Now i don't want to go out tonight.  As i'm in the shower he texts me good morning and i respond.  Then he goes into how he's thinking about me.  I think, maybe it's gonna be a nice thing.......like he's looking forward to tonight.  But no.  He tells me he's touching himself.

GTFO

I told him I didn't want to go out with him tonight.  He acts offended. "what???"......i told him we are looking for different things.  He says "If you don't want me to think of you, thats just fine with me"

Oh buddy.

Gaslighting me is not a good idea.

I did not respond.  Nor will I.  Done.  Fuck off.

I was going to ask him "do i have kids?  do you know where i work? If my parents are alive?  Because i bet a million dollars he can't answer those basic questions after talking for almost three weeks.  

Fuck off.

I've been trying to talk myself out of not wanting to go out with him, thinking it's my fucked up brain wanting to hide in the house in peace and not deal with another unknown man.  But no, i should have been listening to my instinct. 

I'm getting better at this.  The pickings are slim. Supposedly successful men are just as piggish, if not worse than the average male.  Worse, is that they are entitled on top of it.

I love sex.  I mean, i really love it.  But i'm not entertainment.  They want to date a respectable woman but they don't approach with any kind of respect.  How are you gonna talk to a woman like that and then think i will take you seriously.  Some things never change.  

If i was in a relationship with a man and he texted me naughty in the morning - that would be different.  Like I said, this man remembers nothing of what i've shared with him - his goal is to get laid.  Keep looking. I learned the hard way that following my hormones with a man is not the way to go, and with this guy.......not even a twinge of hormones going on with me. 

Below is the AI interpretation of my dreams which almost scares me.

 let’s look at how the elements of your dream might reflect or mirror something in your waking life. Based on what I know about you — your strong sense of independence, recent reflections on relationships, emotional boundaries, and desire for meaningful connection — this dream feels emotionally loaded in a way that might tie into your recent personal growth and relationship dynamics.

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🔹 You’re in a restaurant with friends, but you’re disconnected

In waking life:

• Are you feeling surrounded by people but still alone emotionally?

• Are there moments where you’re invited in but still feel like you're not quite part of things, or not fully seen for who you are?

• Letting your friends order for you may reflect difficulty asserting your preferences or needs — especially if you're tired of always being “the strong one,” or feel like expressing your needs gets minimized or misunderstood.

---

🔹 Ninja, the cat, is symbolic of your emotional intuition or vulnerability

Letting her out because “she’s the best hunter” suggests:

• You trust your instincts and even take pride in them.

• But then you lose control of her — and people keep bringing you the wrong thing in return.

• Could this mirror recent interactions where you’ve trusted someone with a piece of yourself — emotionally or otherwise — and they didn’t handle it well? Or where you’re looking for something real and keep getting shallow substitutes?

---

🔹 The jammy eggs and people pressuring you to accept what repulses you

• This is huge. It screams of someone saying, “You should want this,” when you absolutely do not.

• Whether this is a relationship dynamic, a job situation, or even a cultural pressure (like being expected to be "fine" with crumbs or the bare minimum) — you’re internally rejecting it, while others try to convince you it’s good.

• You don’t buy it. And your body (in the dream) wants to vomit. That’s powerful.

---

🔹 Everyone leaves, and you’re left with strangers (Diablos) and distortion

• This may reflect a recent abandonment — literal or emotional. Someone you cared about distanced themselves or changed on you.

• The Diablos may represent dangerous or volatile people from your past or symbolic of stepping into emotionally unsafe spaces.

• You try to regain control (Ninja), but you’re getting unhelpful input from outsiders. You’re seeking connection — but the people around you are twisted, melty, not trustworthy.

• This could echo the moment you realize: “These people are not my people.”

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🔹 Back in your childhood home, and later your ex-husband’s

• Returning to old houses symbolizes revisiting old emotional frameworks — who you used to be.

• The dirty bathroom suggests you don’t want to revisit old wounds — maybe related to family, shame, or lack of self-worth.

• Then you transition to your ex-husband’s house — a place of previous partnership — but now you’re alone, unsure where to go, and with no means of transport.

• This could reflect that while you’ve grown immensely, part of you is still working through what it means to be truly self-directed, without needing someone else to “drive” the narrative or give you direction.

---

🧠 Final Reflection

This dream screams of:

• Trying to reclaim yourself in spaces where you’ve historically lost pieces of your identity

• Fighting to hold onto your intuition (Ninja) in the face of others’ expectations or false reassurances

• Feeling disoriented by abandonment or shifting relationships

• And confronting old emotional frameworks that no longer serve the woman you are now

You’ve been processing a lot lately — especially around romantic disappointment, emotional loyalty, and asserting your worth. This dream is your brain trying to consolidate your growth with your pain — saying, “Let’s not forget where we’ve been… but let’s not stay there either.”

Clear out illness

 What the hell am i buying?

Today after work my bestie and her husband are coming to pick up the deck swing i HAD TO HAVE and bring it to their new house, where they have the space and will probably use it.

(They also have the beautiful deck furniture i bought for the house in Wolcott about a year before i had to move out due to the breakup)

So i can visit it all.  And be reminded not to buy any more stuff.

In fairness, i wanted the deck swing for a long time.  Years.  I pictured myself lounging on my deck reading my book.  The reality is that it's not very comfortable to lounge on.  It's more of a sit and swing while you talk to someone and have a glass of wine or two.

I don't have people over very often.  Perhaps that should change......no probably not.

Anyways, I inherited a huge grill (and yes, i managed to set it up and use it all by myself after a few tries) and between the swing and the grill, something has to give.

I chose the grill.

And here we are.

I will use my big comfy camp chair that resides in the closet when i want to lounge on the deck and read my book.  It's more comfortable anyways.

I love sitting on decks.

I'm watchful for bears now, since the last one decided i was interesting and came right up to the deck.  Puts a little excitement into the lounging aspect.

I'm annoyed.  Mr. Batts seems to think i'm here for his entertainment, or he enjoys texting with me.  I have to admit, i'm not a big fan of the texting.  I'd rather date. See each other in person and get to know each other that way.  Texting is very flat, and my awkward sense of humor doesn't always come across correctly. Plus, it's one dimensional.  He's making me into what he wants in his head, not what i really am.  And vice versa I guess.

I'm just annoyed in general.  So this must be the perfect man if we are going by my ability to select a partner.

Sigh.  I'm wanting to cut him off but i have no real reason to do so, so i'm just going to go with the flow.  We are supposed to go out Thursday night.  He seemed to think it was last night.  I told him he is mixing up his ladies.....I mean, i know he's not dating just me for christ sake.  I'm wondering if its bad that i don't care.  

What happens happens.  I am tired of thinking about it. 

Gorgeous

 I'm lucky.

I live in a beautiful area and most times i drive through it not even paying attention.

This morning, I did.

Whats that saying?  Appreciate what you have and don't worry about what you don't have.

Succinct.

Dressing a little artsy today, with the flowy trendy pants and a beautiful see-through top (that i have a tank under obviously)  Jewelry, crazy hair, red lips.  Platform Sorel sandals........i'm feeling myself today.

Nice to go into my closet and know whatever i choose will fit.  It won't be too tight.  i won't look like a stuffed sausage.  If anything, it may be too big.  and thats easy to fix.

Saw my GP yesterday, and actually requested she up my dose of meds.  Im feeling pretty bitchy lately- and literally nothing to bitch about.  She told me to go back to therapy and gave me an additional script for "as needed".  

I'm happy.  But i'm not happy.  Everything is setting me off.  Stupid stuff is setting me off. 

Am i even interested in the man i'm talking to?  It's hard to tell.  Give it time.  

I did start reading an actual physical book yesterday and it felt lovely.  It's good.  It grabbed me immediately- "The lost bookshop" by Evie Woods.  It's been out for a while, i picked it up at the GoodWill when i was shopping with Jen and Doug.  Thought i'd bring it on vacation, but knew i'd not touch it, so here we are........reading it now.

Books have always been such a comfort to me.  I have so many that i've purchased that i havent read because i have the kindle which is lighter and easier.  Plus i can read spicey books and no one knows.  BUT the physical act of reading an actual book is almost a religious experience, with rituals, and senses......I need to give the kindle a break for a while.

Okay.  Lets be positive today.  Let's make an actual effort at choosing to be happy.  This is a phase.  It too shall pass.

stalked?

I understand being curious - i reach out to Mr. Tattoo once in a while because, lets face it - i'm curious.

Is he happy?  How's his dog.  Has he retired? Does he have everything he hoped to have?

Why?

I don't know. Do i need a reason?

But i don't reach out thinking we don't have a past, or that nothing happened and broke off.  He crosses my mind as the one that would have been perfect for me if he had wanted anything beyond a situationship.  I valued everything about him.  I enjoyed his company.  (in retrospect i would not have gotten so completely shitfaced in front of him.  Something i rarely do)  His ways just made me comfortable, and happy.

And he lit me up sexually.  Can't forget that.  I could say he set the standard. 

But stalking isn't something i've particpated in since my ex.  I did stalk that man on social media, and via text and any way i could because my need to poke my wound was so strong.  I punished myself by wanting to know about his life without me.  Was it better? Worse? Did he miss me? Even think about me? or was I forgotten?

All very reasonable things to think, but not to act on.  So eventually, i stopped punishing myself.  It took me years.  But we had been together for 13 years, so i wont beat myself up over how i coped.  I did not bother him in his new life.

Why am i thinking about this now? Because Mr. Cigar, the guy who basically told me i wasn't "at his level", who dismissed me rudely and acted like a juvenile - a slow juvenile.....seems to have an interest in my life.  He now reaches out to me using different accounts.  I block each one as they pop up.

I have zero desire to know what he wants, or to ever hear from him again.

Go. Away.

He isn't what i thought he was and his mask came off mighty quick.  When they show themselves to you, you must believe them.  He is an ugly bitter little man.  He has hurt many women with his lies and behaviors.  He is not my problem.

BECAUSE of that, it makes me a little nervous that he keeps attempting to reach out.  No good is on his mind.  He wouldn't know how to be anything but a selfish self serving prick.  I do not like being on his mind.

So keeping an eye on that.

The audacity

 Audacity - boldness or daring, especially with confident or arrogant disregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or other restrictions. Synonyms: foolhardiness, temerity, grit, spunk, nerve.

I have Mr. Cigar blocked on all ways to reach me short of showing up at my house - which, in a way, i wish a motherfucker would.

Hearting my profile picture on facebook from a different account that has his name on it is so.....not surprising.

He probably has multiple accounts because he gets blocked on the regular. 

When i get blocked, i figure its because the person has no desire to ever hear from me, or speak to me again.  It's kind of clear to a normal person.

A psycho though, will find ways around it.

I blocked him on that account to.  Go fuck yourself.  I literally can't stand him.  A lying cheating fake of a "man"......water seeks it's level. 

I don't think he knows that i know all about him.  That i have had women reach out to me after i posted him on "Are we dating the same man" and tell me their horror stories.  I don't think he knows i was in contact with his "ex" who was not his ex.  

I'm all set, all done - he's been put into the past - But he pops back up like i'm supposed to what?  Not block him?  Does he think it's even safe to contact me?  Because this bitch choked me out without my consent and I'd love to even the score..........but i won't.  Because i'd rather just stay away from shit.

GRRRRRR.  I've never been treated so horribly, by anyone.  Not even the cheating ex boyfriend, not even the drug addicted ex husband.  

Can i pick them or what?

I was wrecked over Mr Tattoo but he never treated me badly.  Not once.  He pissed me off at the end, but he didn't lie.  He was what he was and he never acted like he was something else to use me.  But even he is in the past.  

And here i am going on a lunch date today with another possible predator. lovely.  If he has a penis he is a potential threat.  I'm sick of this.

Mr. Batts.  He is full blown 100% Italian.  My bestie who is also 100% italian is always telling me NOT to date italians.  I find that funny.  Nationality does not make the man.  But she insists.  Here's the thing - I practically grew up in her house.  I'm italian by association.  BUT i'm also a woman who has taken care of herself since the age of 16 and i'm not needing or taking any shit from a man.

I need to pay attention because he has already pushed limits and had to be put into his place. He probably thinks i'll fall to his feet because he is another successful male.  Semi-retired, full plate with friends and family- has his own home, blah blah blah.  I vetted him through friends we have in common (which obviously means nothing since i did the same with Mr. Cigar) and they all say he is friendly and social.  They have nothing bad to say about him.  The couple i met in florida when i went out for drinks with Eddie also know him and hold him in high regard.  Right in front of Eddie the woman told me he would treat me like a queen and take me all over the world......

I'd like it if he just treated me like an equal and a person he cares about.  

Why is that so hard to find.

Anyway, these Mediterranean males - the traditional ones - these are the ones i seem to get along with and consider as potential partners.  Maybe it's because they cook.

Here i am, raised myself since i was 16 with no family but my children and friends, can't cook, swears too much, fiercely independent and  opinionated....that seems like more of a clash than a peaceful union.  

Yet....i keep trying. I don't need anyone to take care of my life, but i do want someone to take care of my heart. Keep it safe.  Value it like i would value theirs. 

Since this is the last guy i spoke with on the dating site i'll see where it goes but i'm all set moving forward.  I can't do this year of dating bullshit i thought i was going to do.  I don't know how to meet men but that's fine.  I'm good.  Winter is around the corner and it will be time to cuddle down inside with my fake fireplace and a good books.

Maybe some wine. 

imposter

 I understand imposter syndrome.  Every time i have to compile a report that is for the leadership....i'm thinking "are they crazy letting me do this?"

I mean, i know i know how..........but......i just feel like an imposter.

sometimes.

And a cook.  Lately, i've been actually cooking recipes that i find so interesting. 

I've been looking at Vegan recipes because they are usually high in protein, and taste great.  This is a bean salad that i served with a Red Hot.....which is kinda funny.

I'm easily bored with cooking- so this new spurt of interest is only because i'm still losing weight and would like to keep it off- so changing how I eat will depend on finding things i really enjoy that are actually good for me.  This salad has a kick to it......and i like beans, so win win. 

Back to physical therapy and my balance is SUCK.....Stand up straight with your feet together then close your eyes.  I'm fine until i close my eyes........they, i'm tipping over.

Do it on an unstable surface.........I look drunk, and thats with my eyes open.

And I always knew i walk funny but now she is correcting me.  So strange.  Not knowing how to correctly walk after all these years of crashing around.

Simple exercises done repetitively really do make the difference, and when i see the improvement i'm so excited.  "Look at me ma, no hands!"  She must think i'm insane.   

My new trick is to walk up my front steps without HOLDING ON.  I still feel risky, like i'm going to topple over........but i do it.  

Wait till i can walk up a normal flight of stairs without holding on.  Won't THAT be a score???  

Told you, it's the little things.

I have a lunch date tomorrow.  What shall i call him?  Mr. Batts.  This is the last man i was talking to on the damned dating site before i closed my account and went on vacation.  He has hung tight.  Checked in daily while i was away, just a little text.  Cute.  I agreed to go out with him once i got back, and ....he didn't forget.  He was a little too much when i started talking to him.  I put him in his place and didn't expect to hear from him again.  But he was back the next day.  He also said the dreaded "I don't like to make plans" thing to me.  So i again, put him in his place. And now he asked properly for a date.  

He wanted dinner, i gave him lunch.  We'll see how it goes.  I admit, his flirting is getting to me.  It's been a loooooonnnnng damn time.  Over a year. Yes i've dated a lot but thats all.  Not even with Mr. Cigar.  

I am locked down, like fort knox baby.  When they don't work out, i don't have regret.  The right one will work out........and i'll probably give him a heart attack.  If he's lucky.  

Or maybe i'll jump this man regardless.  You know, keep the gears oiled.  I don't want to forget how! I'm a grown up.  I have needs.  I just wouldn't expect it to turn into anything more.  Learned that the hard way.  

Better idea to keep my heart closed, than my legs.  LOL......okay, not funny.