light and dark

Yesterday (Sunday) my plan was to smoke, and watch movies all day or just smoke and stare at the wall.  Not leave the house.  My friends left late morning and while i felt better when they were here, that quiet got me as soon as they left.  

A gentleman i'm communicating with on facebook dating sent me a picture of him leaning on his motorcycle asking me if i want to go for a ride......

Well, yeah. I do want to go for a ride.

I agreed to meet him for lunch, which turned into several hours, and we could decide if a ride was in the cards.  

It was.  He was a great lunch date and i enjoyed his company.  Not a lot of laughing, but the conversations was one of the best.  Deep questions, from HIM, great time.  Then we moved outside and stood around talking for another half hour.  Finally i asked him if we were going for a ride?  His face lit up like a sun and he asked me "you want to?".......i said "Do YOU?" and he said "YES"......THEN i laughed.  He seemed so surprised.  Was i giving a totally different vibe?  

We went for a nice ride, stopped a few times, once for a couple of drinks at a gas station, the second at a reservoir which had trails.  We took a nice stretch our legs walk, i took some pictures and he showed me so many pictures in his phone of nature pics he has taken.

Now it's getting dark, so we head back to the restaurant to get me to my car.  And proceed to talk MORE

Neither of us could shut up.  finally, we realized how late it was and hugged for the third time saying goodbye.  

Usually i'm annoyed when a man keeps stretching the time out ........but neither of us realized how much time had passed so quickly.  

He works very odd hours, at the whim of his company based on the work.....He's some kind of commercial plumber from what i understand. (we really didn't talk shop) Big contracts at schools, etc.  Does a lot of work on new structures.  Thats what i got.  Not an entire financial portfolio.

He also seemed impressed with what i do. We have a lot of the same views and he doesn't seem like a yes man to me.  Time will tell.

Yes, he is attractive.  VERY tall, slender, nice face.  He has hair, kept short.  facial hair, nice eyes. no tats. No obsession with an ex that i can tell, and no desire to rush into a relationship, but looking for one.  

But the ride..........omg did i need that so much.  He had a sissy bar on so while we were close, i didn't have to be all up on him.  He also grew up on dirtbikes and got his first harley at 18.  So i felt comfortable with him not being a newbie.  And i did let go and relax.  Like releasing steam from a pressure cooking.  After a few minutes on the bike i started to feel "that" feeling....a lightness, a giving over of all control (only riding the back of a bike can explain that to you) and a lift in my spirits...a joy.   ooooh yes, this was long overdue.

Anyhow.  We will see what happens from here.  Maybe he calls, or doesn't.  Was still an outstanding last minute date.

Struggling

 so many thoughts in my head, rolling around, crashing into each other.....

I'm struggling.

And with struggle comes friends that won't leave me alone to stew in it.  They will go to the grocery store, the bakery, the craft store, and they will drive an hour to bring me their love and gifts, to spend the night with me.  Even though i'm shitty.  Even though i can't seem to leave my house for fear of crying in public.

I hate this.

But i love them.

And i can't take my besties phone calls.  I haven't all week.  Because she doesn't get it.  She doesn't understand how deeply rejected and hurt i can feel over a man I could barely stand, but somehow fell for.  She doesn't know about the back and forth, because she would judge.  The first time i told her i had to tell her it was my choice and while i understood her concern, i didn't want to hear it.

Jen and Doug know everything.  And they know i will work it out in my time, without yelling at me, without telling me how horrible he is.

Future reference......keep my shit to myself.   We as women look to our friends for support when we are confused, when we question if we are crazy......but some will throw it in your face later and call it concern.

She will call me, but she would never drive a half hour just to come be with me.  I would have to go to her house.  The only time she wants to come to my house is when her husband is working overtime, or HE has plans....then she has time.

But she doesn't see that.

And i'm not telling her.

I can't talk to her about her new house that they have to have absolutely perfect before they find something else to be mad about.

i'm in a shitty place in my head.

Its' okay.  This will pass.  The ugly will go away, and the sad will return and they will take turns until i'm too tired to care.

But my meds don't need to be increased.....instead i should dive head first into past trauma to figure out why I can't seem to find a man who wants me as much as i want him.

Fucking laughable.

And while i'm being ugly let me say out loud what is circling in my head......it's not going to work for  them.  They constantly break up and he treats her like shit.  He says horrible things to her to hurt her on purpose and feels justified.  They break up, then go back, then drag some unsuspecting bystander into their drama just to "find love" again.....fuck them.  Fuck both of them and their toxic bullshit.  

It's not going to work because if it was, it would have.  People who LOVE each other don't treat each other the way they do.......

I'm better to be rid of him.  Leopards don't change their spots and i would be the next victim of his "love"....i'd never be secure or feel loved.

So fuck that noise.  Good luck to them and their toxic cycle of grief/love.  

I have wasted enough time and energy on this unworthy man.  My feelings are better off directed at my own damn self.  

rough road

 Therapy was ......productive.  I'm starting Cognitive Processing Therapy that used to be used only for vets with PTSD.  The program has been revamped for anyone with PTSD.

And lucky me, i qualify.

12 sessions in total, with exercises to complete on my own, and then walk through and process with the therapist.

Doesn't THAT sound fun?

We shall see.

First session was today, and we talked about shame and blame being thoughts, not emotions.  There was an interesting comparison to negative emotions being a firepit, and how shame and blame are like thought logs thrown on to the fire.......making it larger.  And how the negative emotions are kind of always there, like coals.......and thats why escalation of emotions is so MUCH in comparison to "normal" people.  It's why i shoot straight to a 10 instead of a 2 on that scale.  I was already smoking in a way.......

Then she explained a lot about how the different parts of the brain work.  The amygdala controls the "fight or flight" but there's a third, "freeze"....and thats disassociation.  These are to keep us alive during trauma. While these are in action, reasoning, immune systems, digestion, and even speech is turned off.

Someone with PTSD has an overactive amygdala.  (the coals)  

I'm spitting out what i remember from the session.  I found it really interesting.  The science of it.  

So this type of therapy is backed by research and has been used for 40 years.  We will be covering safety, power/control, intimacy, esteem and trust during the next 12 weeks.

I'm spiraling so it's time to get serious.  I cannot lose control over my life at this point - I need to get a grip.  Don't i deserve to be happy?

Reaching out to Carlos wasn't as scary as i thought it would be.  I'm glad he responded.  I can feel good about him, and leave him in my past.  I think.  I'm going to try like hell.  Because i'm not part of his story.  He shouldn't be part of mine.

Obviously i've been  struggling with the Bill situation, crying jags, general malaise, anger.  Yes, i broke up with him, but i did it because i knew he is still in love with his ex and that she would most definetly be making another appearance in his life and when she did........he would dump me.  He was honest about his feelings.  And i was honest about not wanting to wait to be dumped.  

We had a pretty great conversation tonight over text, where we could take our time and think about what we were saying.  

At one point he said he wants both of us, and all three of us should be together.  The funny thing is I thought of that too.  Could we?  Would that work for ME.  I've learned about all the different lifestyles that people choose now a days and i've been asked to consider poly before......it freaked me out then, but this time, i considered it before he ever said it.

I don't see me ever doing that.  I want someone special, who thinks i'm special too.  I want love between two people and no one comes between.  

The way i'm hurting right now, i know i considered it because i would be with him.  But the fact is, this man loves his ex, and she loves him (how i know this is another story) and they should be together.  Love wins.

I felt better after our conversation.  I don't know if we will still walk sometimes, because he was an excellent coach and motivator......I don't want to think about him not being in my life, but at the same time..........that might be how it has to be.  He wants me in his life too, but he wouldn't be sacrificing his future and i might be.

I cannot continue to cling to men who don't return my feelings, or want the same things as me.  You would think thats obvious, but the heart wants what the heart wants.  Mine wants me to be alone.

So therapy.  Hopefully this will help me work through some childhood trauma, adult trauma and get me back to relatively normal.......not back, but for the first time in my life.  A girl can hope.  

When you go backwards

 Yesterday on a whim that i did not control i reached out to Mr. Tattoo via text.

He responded and we had a short, kinda funny, interaction.  By the time it was finished, quickly, i had arrived in a different place in my head.

He's all about the sex, that hasn't changed.  But me?  As a person?  It was never that, and it never will be.  I romanticize him in my head as "the one i couldn't have".......but i can have what he offered, pretty much anywhere.

Yes, i still get a thrill when i interact with him......but that was chemistry.  We knew how to work each other without having to figure it out.  In that, we were a perfect match.

But in life?  We will never know. So strange but that little interaction felt like a door closing in my heart. I peeked in to see if he had softened, and everything was exactly as we left it.  All about sex. Really really great sex.  sigh.

Now Bill.  He has gone silent and disappeared.  This leaves me to wonder if he got back with his ex, or found someone else.  He doesn't let go of anyone. Whatever the reason, I also reached out to him because i wondered if he threw my earrings out ....I'm a glutton for punishment.  He replied that no, he had not and that i would get them back "soon enough".

hmmm.

He had told me previously that he was working on himself.  But he had said that before.  maybe this time he is?

What that has to do with me is not a thing.  Except, i'm nosy, and i'm still obsessed.  Good, bad, indifferent, that is the truth.  I'd love to have the door closing conversation with him as well....not have a need for reaching out.

I have therapy this morning.  I'm thinking this might be the last session with this person.  I'm not sure she is for me. But today i will focus on my anxious attachment style......i need to be retrained.  

Women give the best compliments

 i'm drowning in contract paperwork - trying to figure out what is going on and how to do this.  

I'm stressed.

It's new.  I'm unsure.  And i want it done. Now. Also, i have to wait on information from other people and i get impatient.  Most people have been so very helpful (and happy i'm doing it and not them) while others (the older ones) don't want to give up any information and are less than helpful.

There is a great divide.

BUT i have confidence that i will get through this and learn.  Which is what i wanted.  Because i'm an asshole. 

Just as i was about to go for a "clear my mind" walk around the building, a co-worker from another department came by to pick up some paperwork from me.  I love when she comes because we chit chat and we are friendly.  She is from Portugal and today she was telling me that her grandchildern call her by her name.  She wasn't ready to be a grandmother when the first arrived.

From there we went on to hair (she had her's dyed that reddish black that is gorgeous on her).  She told me how she wants my hair and i laughed and told her be careful, it's earned.  Blah blah blah, hair color, etc.....and then I told her how i used to love dying it different colors but i can't because white hair is a straw and even temporary colors are now permanent.  It's no fun.  So sometimes i use extensions for fun!

I told her I don't always want to look like grandma.  Her face was priceless.  She said "you NEVER look like someones grandmother!  You are gorgeous!  Your hair is stunning!"

Look, even if she was just being a very nice friend at work, that felt lovely.  I've come to the point in life where i can't rely on mens opinions of how i look because ......they are fickle.  They of course, compare women of my age to women who are much younger and call that attractive.

Women in their 20's and 30's are beautiful creatures, but a women in her 50's almost 60 isn't going to compare with smooth skin and tight muscles.  We are aging.  And that's a GOOD thing.  But many men, don't find older women attractive anymore.

Whatever.  When a woman compliments me it makes me feel good.  Women can be very harsh judges as well.  Saying nothing is kind sometimes.  

I just wanted to remember how for a few minutes today i felt gorgeous with my white hair and less tight skin......

always look good

 This morning i put on wide leg jeans and then tried on every shirt and sweater possible to try and get away with it.........nope.  I can't do it.  Took off the jeans, put on the slacks and a jacket.  I feel so tired and sluggish but i can NOT look it at work.

I have to dress appropriately.  UGGGHHH.

Fine, i won't wear makeup today.  But i did.  I think they call this tough love.  There used to be days before this job where i could go to work looking a bit sloppy, comfy.  I simply can't anymore.  I don't wear a white lab coat so i better be looking relatively sharp............even when i feel like crawling back into bed.

More people know me than i know..........if that makes sense.  I send emails out to people i've never met, i'm on team meetings with leadership, I canNOT afford for anyone to think i'm sloppy in any way.

Especially since i'm taking on tasks that are above my job title and I'm doing it strategically.  I don't have the degree needed for the next step up.........but, if i do the job, i can reclassify.  It's the only way i can move up so thats what i'm shooting for.

The ice machine in the cafe has been broken all week and it's been putting me (and others) in a bad mood.  Ice water is life around here, as much as coffee is.  This morning i almost danced over to it when i saw the sign was down and the machine is working.  Yahoooooo.  And then an AVP from another department came up and he was also ridiculously excited so we stood there filling our very large cups being ridiculous.

As i walked away i thought "he's kinda cute".....and then i slapped myself in my mind.  Really hard.  I see him every morning on the hospital wide leadership team call.......he must be married.  I would think.

Anyways, i've been having people talk to me who never used to even SEE me.  I think the weight loss i'm experiencing and the excersize is affecting how i carry myself and my attitude.  I'm not trying to hide. 

Who knows.  Maybe they are noticing because i'm not a fat ass anymore.  

But the ass will always be fat, to be clear.

In a pretty good place this morning.  Lets hope it holds.  

purposeful change

i've been listening to a lot of podcasts that have nothing to do with true crime. (my crutch)

I have fallen into the "self help" hole, and i've gone deep.  I feel like I am the type of person that would have followed Charlie Manson...except i value cleanliness and daily showers.  I could never live a dirty life.  But follow a crazy man?  If he knew how to talk, i probably would.

I used to be fascinated, became fascinated with Charlie while i was in high school.  Everything i read was about him, the family, the murders.  Every book, movie, tv show, you name it........i ate it up.  One thing he said, the hook for me was I take in all the youth you throw away.

I've always been a throwaway.  So i identified immediately and totally understood the draw.

The violence?  I couldn't participate in hurting anyone who wasn't hurting me or someone i loved in an act or random violence.  I'm not made that way.  I'm also not afraid enough of anyone to feel forced into acting in a way that will hurt someone else without needing to for my own safety.

I'm not violent.  I am defensive though.  But someone would need to be meaning to do me harm in order for me to act that way.

I digress.

So these self help podcasts and books.......i've always taken them with a grain of salt.  Someone making money on someone elses pain and confusion.   Thats how i viewed it.  Someone's opinion based on zero research.  I'm a research girl.

But i'm realizing that i am definetly anxiously attached to men specifically.  And i want to change that.  I want to feel secure, with or without the object of my affection.  These spirals that take over me?  I want them gone.  My value on this earth has nothing to do with a man wanting me.

I know all of this in my head.  Yet, my emotions, my feelings.....they take over.  And usually in an overly defensive or not defensive at all posture.  I'm either fighting for attention, or laying down and accepting the crumbs someone might put down for me.  I hate that about myself.  How i fall out of character so quickly as soon as i identify a man as someone i want to be with.

Fear.  it rules me.  And i react to it.  I fall into it face first.  

And i drown.  I obsess, overthink, zero in on HIM and his actions or inactions toward me.  

Not with everyone. Just the ones i'm finding myself falling for.  Specifically, Carlos and Bill.

Both very different men.  One so polite and considerate, the other rude and obnoxious.  So what drew me to THEM and not any of the others?

The challenge? or the gaurantee of failure?  Self prophosy of "of course they would't want me". 

And why did i, do i, care?

These men are so different but both are emotionally unavailable.  Both had trauma in their past.  Real trauma.  Both are 100% masculine and look nothing alike.  If they stood next to each other you would never think the same woman would have dated both.  Thats how different they appear.

But it's the trauma i think i smell.......identify.......and recognize.  Maybe?  It's literally the only thing they have in common.

I loved to love Carlos, and i hated to love Bill.  When i say "love" i mean the feeling of potential love- the beginings of serious attachment that scared the living shit out of me.  Attachment means potential loss, and loss means pain.  So.........do i chase the pain?

I'm rambling.  Trying to figure myself out.

If a man looks at me wrong i break up with him.  But with Carlos and Bill?  It wouldn't even register with me.  

And yet i broke up with both of them - because they wanted me to.

What if Bill circles around again?  Or Carlos?  what then?  Bill is toxic and i probably think i deserve him.  He says and does things that are poison to me.  He is not good for me and if i understood the attractiion i could better process the why.  Carlos?  Was kind to me, treated me like a queen when i was with him, I felt cared for, safe- but temporary.  He made it clear enough that i could never pretend we were a couple.  I tried.  

He's the prototype of the man i want.  With the huge exception of he will want me too. 

Bill is the devil i think i deserve.  And i don't.  

I need to listen to more podcasts, and read more books, and keep going to therapy so i can train myself out of the anxious attachment.  I'm told it can happen.

I just checked Carlos's facebook, which i've not done in probably a year.  He's either gone or has me blocked.  Of course Bill still is my "friend" because it's just easier that way............why do i feel so hurt about something so lame?