Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Last night I sent a meme to Mr. Cigar and promptly fell asleep.  I remember thinking "it's so light outside, it's too early" and that was all she wrote. This morning when i woke up I realized i never said goodnight, and when i looked at my phone, neither had he.  He had seen the meme.   We are a couple of losers not being able to stay up later than the sun.  That was my first thought. My second thought was........why didn't he respond when he saw my message? Because that is how i sabotage.  That is my anxiety at work.  Stop it. So i texted good morning and  it took some time for him to respond. he is obviously already on a roll at work.  Here comes my anxiety.  He is pulling away, losing interest, what did i do wrong? No he's not, no he's not, and nothing.  Relax. He makes time for me.  I talk to him every day at some point. We see each other regularly, but not on a routine basis.  He knows me. And i know him.  ...

 I knew my cell phone was attached to me, but i never really had a realistic idea of just how much i depend on it. This morning i went to grab my phone to go sit on the throne.  I had a moment of "OH NO, what will i do?" and then had a good giggle.  what a crisis!  Potty time with no hexagram game!!!! Last night I was a out of sorts, no phone, no social media (unless i get on the laptop, which i sure as hell did) no audiobook, no texting, no phone calls.....I can't read a book while i'm making dinner!  How am i going to multitask? Mr. Cigar messages me back on Facebook (good old facebook) and i tell him "come get me" and he does!  He tells me i'm difficult.  I tell him he's a good boyfriend.  He said he didn't want me having anxiety all night without a phone. Does he know me?  ya think? What if my kids need me?  The only reason i spent money ON a cell phone back in the day was so they could always reach me if they needed me.  Here w...

 A few months ago i decided i was tired of paying so much money for my cell phone service.   I have had them all.  Verizon (horrifyingly expensive and confusing) T-mobile (I do not know how i paid them every month and still owed them money to THIS DAY) and finally, an improvement, Comcast cable.   I went to comcast because i have them for wifi and if you have service with them you can add a phone line for $30ish a month.  And i was fine with this for a long time until I realized how damn expensive my internet is, and that it kept getting more expensive for less service and I had no other choice.  Fiber optic is still not available in my complex and if i'm going to pay a lot of money thats what i want.  One day i had a piss fit and decided i wasn't paying comcast any more money than i literally have to so i cancelled the phone line.  I don't have cable, haven't had cable in years.   This left me with no cell phone plan.  I ...

 How long does it take to know you are with "the one"?  I wish there was a rule book somewhere. What is love? Baby don't hurt me.....(song reference) Limerence? Infatuation?  How do you know the difference? The hardest thing in life is to trust yourself, when you've led yourself down dead end paths before, and wasted time and tears on men who were never meant for you in the first place. Do i just want to be in love?  No........because if that were the case, i've had men that were head over heals (so they said) and i felt nothing.  In the same regard, i've fallen head over heals and he felt nothing. When i was going through last years failed romance (yes another song reference) It was so immediate and so all consuming that i didn't pay attention.  I had given myself over to a man who didn't want me, but THIS one, let me go.  Oh, how that hurt.  And i blamed myself.  I was TOO MUCH of me.  I was TOO obvious with how I felt, needed TOO MUCH...

 Mr. Cigar hasn't been available for more than a few random texts over the past few days.   The old me would be losing sleep, wondering "why" and thinking the worst. The healed me, doesn't like it.....but it is what it is.  If he is pulling away, he has his reasons.  If he is just busy, he has his reasons.  HIS reasons. I'm still going to work, making dinner, talking to my friends, doing my workouts and if i'm lucky getting a chance to read a bit before i fall asleep. I do wonder.  But it's not wrecking my world. He accepted my invitation to attend a graduation party in a few weeks.  My old self started thinking "he'll break up with me, or start a fight so he doesn't have to go" hmmmmm.  I wonder what makes me think things like that?  Previous experiences NOT with him. So cool your jets MB.  He said yes to the invite.  It's not a marriage proposal. My work stress is not over.  No one gave the word to the new guy apparently...

 probably.  Its not the first time i've heard that i always jump to the worst case scenario, or assume the worst is going to happen. Is that anxiety? or a character trait?  It's always self focused.  I assume the best for everyone else and the worst for myself.  Was that learned? is is self defense so i don't get side swiped when something bad happens i can say "i knew it"........? Mr. Cigar called me out last night.  Said i always go to the negative.  He's not wrong.  I catch myself but not always. I can see how that would be annoying- but why do my friends love me so much if i'm so negative? Definitely neurotic.  All that stressing and my boss came back to me with a definitive answer from the above.  My job doesn't change. I do not have to become someones secretary (as much as they seem to think they are entitled to me) because he's unhappy with what he has, or because of my logistical location outside of his office. (ONE of his office...

 This business of not knowing what my actual job is going to be, or when it's going to change is driving me INSANE. My boss is retiring, and it's been known for a while.  But now the scramble is on.   Add that Mr. Cigar is super busy and not having much time. Shit fuck shit.

 It was a busy weekend and i went from one thing to the other, leaving a lot left undone - leaving me uncomfortable in my space This morning i woke up and thought "I can't people today" and so i texted my boss and told him i'm taking a sick day. It's more of a anti-sick day.  I'm taking it so that i can re-center, have some time to myself and get my both my physical and mental space back to some kind of order.  Some would say that's lazy or not a good work ethic, but this is a benefit of working where i do in the job that i have and i'm using it.  It's important to take care of yourself so that you can go to work and focus.  Today, focus is out of the question. My thoughts are all over the place, bouncing from old fears to new confidence and then somewhere in the middle.  Physically, i'm feeling really good, being active, losing weight, not starving my body or my brain.  Clothing is fitting me way different and i have a lot to fit into as i los...

 Last night i was talking with Mr. Cigar on the phone, and while we were talking i drove to his house and we continued talking for the next 3.5 hours.  Real talking, busting on each other, lots of topics.....it just flowed.  Some grabby touchy but all in play, it wasn't that kind of night. I just wanted to be with him instead of just on the phone.  And I did what i wanted to do and went over. When i realized it was 9pm i was on fire to get out the door so we could get some sleep...but he made me wait to taste the Indian rice he had in the cooker.  It's not really rice, it's a oat/grass.....and he makes it with lentels and black beans with some sazon spice.   I'm glad i waited.  Holy sh*t was it good.  And my mind started going a mile a minute of what else i could add to make it the main dish. He's a really good cook.  Which is good, because i'm not.  I have some things that i make fairly well, but my experiments don't usually turn o...

 I think i look different when i'm happy.  I seem to get a lot more attention from men. Maybe  i walk different, smile bigger, shine a little..... I hold on to this feeling while at the same time kicking back my demons that tell me....he's a man, he's gonna lie to you and cheat on you and leave you an emotional husk by the time he's done with you. Isn't that a lovely thought? I notice everything, every good night missed, every day i haven't talked to him on the phone........that is me being anxious and insecure.  I know the words, I certainly know the feeling...and now i need to really master controlling it so it doesn't disrupt my entire life. I remind myself, routine isn't something i want.  I remind myself he is a hard working business(s) owner and this is his busy season.  I remind myself that is something i admire about him, so feeling displaced when he's working himself to sleep every night makes zero sense. Still haven't made that appointm...

 I haven't been in a relationship in over 8 years.   I've dated some men longer than others - but in all honesty (which i was with them) I don't allow myself to attach.  No thats not healthy......but in each case, i was 100% right not to attach.  It was my brain saying "noooooo this is not the one"  I thought not being totally turned off, not wanting to throat punch someone.....made them datable.  It kept me safe from being hurt when it ended which i knew it would from day one. And i was completely fine with that, each time feeling like i dodged a bullet.  No remorse, no regret, just back to my peace and not a second thought. Mr. Tattoo i got attached to because the sex was amazing and i felt great around him.  When we were not together, i did not feel great because i never knew when/if we would see each other again.  I was dickmatized.  It wasn't just the sex though, because i've had good sex before him.....I thought i could fall i...

 What a weekend. I'm happy. Not looney over the top happy........just a nice calmness in my center.  A warmth. (every time i use "....." i think about the millennials who go crazy hating it.  These are the same people that shorten their words and text all day....so take that.........   ................   ............ and calm  your asses down)  Last night i saw a fox, a bunny, a blue heron, a deer, and a bear.   I also saw two very large happy puppies, at Mr. Cigars house.  Let me expain. Saturday i went shopping with my bestie.  She has lost so much weight and she needed new work clothes.  Of course i ended up buying something too, which i've really been trying not to do.  I want to have my clothes sagging off my body before i buy anything new.  BUT, when in Rome. Plus it kept my mind occupied, with should i or shouldn't i? and off of Mr. Cigar.  Which it didn't.  He was ever present in my mind, m...

Fridays i work from home.  It's usually mostly travel authorizations and cleaning up the smaller things that i haven't been able to get to in the office. If its not on fire, i save it for Fridays.  That creates space for working on higher priority items without feeling like everything is getting out of control. Yesterday afternoon, i got a call from a friend of mine.  He is in a well known 1% mc.  We met years ago on a dating app and went out on a date. As a rule, i don't date men that are affiliated.  While i understand the lifestyle, it's not for me.  So we hooked up, and called it a day. I said it.  There was a time after my breakup that i went buck wild and i'm not going to apologize for something that literally set me free. Those times are over and have been for a long time.  It was a short period in my life that was needed and now it's not. Anyways, we stay in occasional touch.  We know some of the same people and we like each other....

 I needed a good nights sleep and an attitude re-adjustment. Yes, i invested in this short term relationship, but not everything.  I held back.  Doing all this dating has actually taught me a few things.  I think most women my age dated in their early 20's and learned these lessons early.  I'm not sure who had it better, me or them. My recoup time from hurt feelings has shortened.  The reason, i believe, is because i did not sleep with this man.  I did not give myself fully or with abandon. Too bad for him, really. So i've proven to myself that whatever the magic is that happens in my brain, is very much associated with love making. Noted. Last night i crashed out, fell asleep with all my clothes and lights on.  And i slept deep.  This morning i woke up and my first thought was "i guess he really hated my gift" and i started laughing out loud. I will take that as a good sign. I did think of him while i was away for the weekend, and i picked u...

 I really thought i would never be hurt again.  Especially by someone i've only known for 2 months. 2 months of daily conversations. I'm sad because i cared and i was treated like i don't matter. I let him in.   I saw him as a good man.  How he spoke to me, and how he handled me after.......does not match my definition of a good man. How could he say that to me. Was any of this real? I gave myself, even when upset.  I drove to his house to talk in person and he responded with indifference and rejection. like i'm disposable. I'm sad because this relationship mattered to me.  I feel the loss of the connection we had, of the possibility of what we might have had. I did not deserve what he said.  I hung up on him to create space, to create a boundary.  Then i followed up because i wanted to understand him. But he shut down.  Shut me down.  Turned his back. So i sit here wondering what is wrong with me?  Why did he think so little o...

 If someone makes you feel degraded, confused and unwanted.......thats not a healthy relationship. How people have disagreements matters. He crossed a line with his "joking". He was blatantly disrespectful, crude, and degrading. This, coming from someone who I thought cared about me. I hung up on him because I was deeply hurt and shocked and didn't want to hear what was coming next. It came out of left field.  He was on a riff of  "negging" me..always calls me a "state worker" which used to be a funny crack until it wore itself out.  I didn't realize how often he would take shots at me all in the name of joking around.  "You stutter a lot"...."you are dangerously uncoordinated," and once he literally stated i was not "blow job worthy yet". Crude.  Rude.  I don't care how much money you have.....it obviously doesn't buy class. He had been drinking when he said that last bit........and the fact that I just valida...

I guess this one is done. He always busts my ass but today he went too far.  And I was kind of shocked, then mad.  So i hung up before i lost my mind. Instead of calming down, i spiraled. Some things just aren't funny.  And EVEN if he was joking, i don't think a man that cares for a woman, or has any kind of respect for her, would say what he said. Instead of having a war on the phone, I grabbed the bag with the token gift i bought him from my weekend away, (because we still haven't seen each other) and his dish, from when he made me lunch, got in my car and drove out to his house.   He texted me, and i told him i was coming to bring him his gift.  He read the message. I truly didn't believe that he wouldn't open the garage door when i arrived.  He has so much security on his house, and cameras....i could hear the dogs barking.....there's no way he didnt know i was there.  So i left.  And as soon as i left he called me.  And I ANSWERED t...

There are times when I have nothing to say. Those are usually happy times. Nothing swirling around in my mind that I need to sort out or organize into understanding is a peaceful place to be. I love my peace.  It's taken me a long time to find it.  Yet, here i am, getting involved with chaos again. Is it worth it? Is he worth it? The things that come out of his mouth sometimes...... People close to me think the same of me.  It can be endearing,  sometimes hurtful, but usually accurate. Yesterday, i let him i know i didn't like a certain situation at all and i couldn't have NOT said it.  I could have just ignored it, let it go, not address it.......like i used to.  Always with fear that me having an opinion or a feeling about something would end up with me single. But i have grown to love single.  And i have learned that men who can't handle my thoughts or opinions aren't worthy of my time.  I'm in this too.  And if something makes me unhappy ...

 In the past, i would be a complete wreck at this moment. I miss my kids.  My job is very much in transition and my romantic interest has not determined if I am also his romantic interest. My kids are so grown i feel like the child.  They surpassed me a long time ago.  They are so completely independent that my role in their life feels like the elder that gets checked in on, and that hopefully i haven't gotten myself up to any shenanigans that they have to worry about and consult on with each other. That is both a huge overgeneralization and a very succinct statement.   My job - i do not fear not having one.  I do fear what it is possibly turning into.  I have no control over how it develops.  I'm not sure anyone has really thought too deeply about it considering that filling my boss's position was the priority.  I have a good idea of what is going to happen and i'm okay with it......at the same time, i work for a hospital and i have gro...

 When i was married, we ended every phone conversation, every leaving, with "i love you" regardless if we were fighting, or mad, or pre-occupied, because those would always be the last words spoken to each other if "anything" happened. We didn't say "good bye" because that would bring bad luck, that it left the door open to not seeing each again.....instead, we always said "see ya".   To forget either of these "rules" was hurtful. I raised my kids with the same thought process. I was trained.  Was there anything wrong with these traditions or rituals?  Not when all was right with the world.  BUT, if someone decided they wanted to hurt you, they omitted these rules.  They did not say i love you before hanging up or leaving.  They purposely said goodbye which, they might has well just said fuck off and die. Rules, or traditions, or any kind of "we do this always" can be turned into a weapon against your partner. I was traine...

How do you fit two Cane Corsos in your little car?     Side by side........ How much fun am i having?  A lot. Found out the boys do NOT like the electric dirtbike (have you EVER heard of such a thing?) that Mr. Cigar was getting ready for the weekend.  They think it's attacking him.   Thats one way for them to get exercise for sure, as they chased him around the yard barking their lungs out.   He's crazy.  That's all i really need to say.  That special kind of "lets have some spontaneous fun" (that might actually kill you) crazy.  This morning i'm hiding my face at work because Mr. Cigar has a habit of biting my face and i'm taking medication that makes my already easy to bruise body, bruise if you breath on it. A bite looks looks like i've been accosted.   He doesn't bruise easily or everyone would see it's rough house......and i absolutely love expending that pent-up energy horsing around with him.  He keeps sh...

 I post stupid, unimportant, time wasting tiktoks........they aren't informative or earth shattering.  They are just a place holder for my little self on the internet. I don't take myself seriously there.  Or anywhere on the internet aside from here........and here is just ramblings in my head that allow me to continue to put sentences together in a practice of free writing thoughts. I like to think of it as dusting my brain......cleaning things up. This morning i watched an ENTIRE video of a man explaining his rating system of women, which he seemed to think (verrrry slowly) was an amazing new way to explore how to rate a human female. He is okay looking, but he ruined it by opening his mouth.   This happens a lot with men.  They look okay, or even more than okay and then they open their mouths and caca pours out.   We wonder why dating is so difficult and then we see men like this spouting off their stupidity and it all becomes very clear. Women...

 in my life i don't have to be the good influence, the voice of reason, the support for better choices.......... Saturday night i was home pretty early- he fell asleep as we were watching tv in his recliner (for two)...the man had been up at 4am, been running his ass all day, and then we had dinner together.  He was so tired.  I stayed a while, watching television, cuddled up to him.  Then a big rain storm hit and  the dogs and i stood in the 3 seasons room and watched it, smelled it.  It was so dark out, but the trees, and the rain, and the wind......my favorite.  And the two boys with their noses to the screen right there with me, just watching. I knew my boy, Miyagi, was home sleeping through it.   He woke briefly a few times, mumbled incoherently about work stuff.  He's always at work in his head.  If i got up he would stir "where are you going?".......finally, as i started to fall asleep i knew i needed to go home. I wasn't mad...

I love talking to this man. for hours we sat and talked and drank - about all the things.  Private.   And then he bit me.   we stopped talking for a while.  I have no idea what was on the television. Just enough....not tooo much.  Boundaries.  Then we went upstairs............ and I fell asleep in his bed.  Perfectly innocent.  It was late, all that drinking and talking.  just crawled up into his bed and curled up under his arm and....crashed out.   That was the intention.   He is intentional. The brakes in my head are smoking hot............I'm going in, with eyes wide open and allllll my baggage is saying "too good"  "be careful"   yeah, screw that noise.  I'm about to throw in. Do you know what it's like to close your eyes in a mans bed and fall asleep with the full certainty that you are safe to do so?   He is methodical. If this turns sour for either of us......it's not impossib...

 I love working in no pants. Friday morning i wake up, make coffee, go to my desk and sign in.  I check emails, answer/react to them and then i drag out all the travel authorizations i brought home to review. maybe more coffee, try to eat something (I take my shot on Thursday morning so i'm not very hungry on Friday) and try not to talk out loud to myself as i correct the TA's and shake my head. Now, I might get a phone call from Mr. Cigar too.   I like Friday's. I can have my music on, or it used to be the news but that got me all distracted........so music it is. I can not worry about what i'm wearing or what i look like. And the commute home is very short. I walk over to my walking pad and do some steps............because i'm not getting very many on a Friday in my apartment. I have no complaints. I'm aware it might all change in a very short time, but I'm okay with changes. I've learned how to accommodate, acclimate, and thrive with changes.  I'm...

 When i send a full body picture of me in my "going to work" outfit - and i get a text that says "Damn you are fucking sexy"..... That is the correct response. And i feel marvelous, darling. I felt like i was looking cute before i sent the picture, incidentally. But when the man you are wanting attention from gives the correct response......priceless. I could care less if anyone else notices. But i'm going to toot my horn because i don't really get to very often........ The new IT guy was getting out of his car at the same time i was walking into the building.  I saw him do a doubletake.  Then we met up at the elevators and he was all awkward.  For a moment i thought i had something stuck to my shoe.  But no, he kept stealing glances at me from under his mop of hair. I still got it. Boom. Okay here is my thought- When a woman is working on herself and seeing results, and has a man in her life that pumps her up.......the vibe shines through.  That makes her ...

 My boss had his call this afternoon, with his boss (The BIG BOSS) and he was told who would be taking his place when he retires in July. This has been on my mind for months now, wondering what was going to happen. Although my boss is stepping down from his main position, he will still be here for another year, consulting for his replacement and administering my programs.  So i have another year with him, at least. Being completely selfish, i am not looking foward to his retirement.  I'm trying not to think too much about it. He is 82.  He's more than earned it, i'd say.  But i'm selfish. Working beside someone as smart as he is, as important as he is, and having him value my input, and think i'm good at what i do has done wonders for my self esteem.  I thank the teacher, him.   My position is weirdly divided, between academic and clinical.  I'm paid out of one pot, but i work in several......if that makes sense without divulging entirely too...

I slept like a baby last night, not waking up until my alarm went off.   I checked my phone, and left Mr. Cigar a cheeky answer to the question he asked as i fell asleep with a smile on my face.   So, "we" are a thing. Not on full blast, but on the same page.  We aren't friends. :) Yesterday was a mixed bag of nuts.  Proud of myself for taking care of my feelings, and sad that it could have meant not ever hearing from him again.  And i did NOT reach out as much as i wanted to as the day went by into night.   It sucked, but i knew it was the best thing for me.   Last night i was drained, accepting, and brain tired.  I was in bed by 8pm.  As i was falling asleep i heard his text come in.  I debated, do i look or do i complete the fall into sleep?   I looked. "Are you happier now?" My response "are you?" and we were off, having an actual conversation about us.  Both of us. My first, yes......first adult re...

 Today my boss called me a computer wiz.   I already idolize the man.   A little bit ago i had the opportunity to run across campus in this gorgeous weather to get a hand delivered signature.  I went back to my old stomping grounds. I was pretty unprepared for the welcome i received.  I got hugs and smiles galore.  I was so happy to see so many people i had worked with for 4 years, and i even went to my old office... Bittersweet because i did love the people i worked with there, but when an opportunity arose and it was dangled in my face by a new manager who had joined the team.......and then i didn't get it.  I saw there would be no growth for me there, that i had my niche where i was needed.........and i wanted more than that. So i moved on but i never forgot the good times (and stressful times) i had there.   I needed this today because i have not heard from Mr. Cigar.  Sometimes it's hard to draw a line in the sand and stan...

 Listen, i know i said i would wait for two months and see what happens...........but the fact is, i'm interested in this man, he is taking up space in my head, I'm waiting to hear from him and see him. We haven't seen each other in two weeks.  We live 15 minutes apart.  He still hasn't come to my home, always with a reason. He makes time for his things, and seeing me isn't one of them. Have i complained? No.  What's the point? Yesterday, having a long telephone conversation (which is basically what makes up our situation) he was telling me how he had posted a picture of him and the girl he dated briefly but had to take it down because then everyone made assumptions. ok? He was seeing her, yes?  So...........accurate assumptions. Then he said he took down all the pictures he had posted of women because he "wasn't seeing anyone" and ALSO that when he was seeing someone he was 100% invested, and proud to post pictures and have her around his friends....

 My bestie told me i give out mixed signals to men i date. I don't do it on purpose. I'm a mixed up lady so it would make sense to give out mixed signals. I see it in myself.  Not sure what i can do about it except be honest.   I know i'm falling for a man when i start waiting for him to show signs of not being interested in me.  That's kind of messed up. If i don't care, I literally do NOT care if he calls, texts, contacts me in any way.  I'm not an asshole, i tell the guy i don't see "this" ever working out for whatever reason.  They aren't bad men, they just aren't for me. They've been great looking, financially stable, grown up, articulate.....all the things....but i just haven't felt that interest to know more, or the need to be closer.  I hate that too.  Because on paper, these guys are the dream men.   I'm not a dream woman.   I have battle scars, didn't have a great upbringing, didn't make a lot of great choices ...

 Apparently they call this a "slow burn" relationship. He is in his busy season, and he's also trying to acquire other small businesses that have decided it's not worth the work. He is growing his business so he can retire and leave it to his partner. This guy, he is no dummy.  He is extremely conscious of making money.  He takes no time off - and on the weekends, IF he isn't working, he does competitive shooting. I've never seen a man pamper his dogs the way he does.  They are literally his children - very big children. His home is clean - uncluttered except for the firefighter paraphernalia.....which is literally how i found out he is a retired firefighter.  He doesn't brag.   One night he took his firefighter helmet down and put it on. I nearly stroked out. My imagination got the best of me and he laughed at my red face, told me i'm silly. Silly wants to ravish you my friend.   Anyways - the slow burn. He's busy, i don't like going out dur...

 I associate rainy days with romance. In novels, couples get caught out in the rain during a hike and have to find an abandoned house or cave to take shelter in.....and then they get romantic.  Fall in love.   In movies, they have a big fight and they are going to break up and then it starts pouring rain while they are screaming at each other.....then they fall into each others arms and kiss.   And fall in love. In real life, it's just rain. I have danced in the rain with a man, and shared a first tentative kiss.  He was a jerk, but that memory is a very nice one.   I have had romantic interludes on rainy days - when my ex bf was a roofer, i LOVED when it rained.  Most of the time. Now i just find it soothing.  I tend to reminisce  while i'm cozied up in a blanket with a book listening to the rain.  The book sits on my lap and i drift back and think about the past. just like in the movies.  When i was a kid, my twin b...