Walking Barefoot in Snow

 First, i forgot to write about the train ride home from NYC.  We found our train, walked all the way down to the very very end of it and there were no more seats left.  So we walked alllll the way back up the track, thinking we would have to take a later train.  The train started to leave, and when the last car pulled up to us, the conductor stopped the train.  There were two almost empty cars (no one walks up that way to see) and she told us to hop on.  We were so happy!  as we walked onto the train we said thank you thank you and i said "merry christmas" she was very pretty and had a huge smile.  She was our angel.  As the train started up again she thanked everyone over the speaker for letting us get on the train, and told them we said Merry Christmas. It was just a really nice thing for a random stranger to do.  Acts like hers give me faith in humanity. Now.  Today.  Today is bittersweet because i thought i might have my b...

 Was supposed to go see the band DIRT that i follow on Friday, the 26th, but a stupid snow storm ruined it.  Knowing Bill would be busy for days I packed my laundry basket (which is much more user friendly than 10 different bags) grabbed Miyagi and headed out to Milford for the weekend.  As soon as i got there they put me in their car and brought me over to Jen's mothers house.  Without going into a lot of detail, the family is clearing out the house, which was a hoard house, and it's emotional for Jen in a lot of ways that aren't my story to tell.  She has a LOT on her plate.  She said she wanted me to look through some jewelry and i was all about it. The family has been through the house multiple times, a lot of things have already left or been thrown out.  The jewelry.......was a small bedrooms worth, and i'm probably underestimating.  To say it could fill a jewelry store is an understatement.  AND thats only what was left. Jens family isn...

 Life is as complicated as i make it.  I suppose.  I can choose at any moment to walk away from any situation.  We have that freedom. I am very used to running.  I went from clinging on too long to situations that were hopeless to running like my ass was on fire at the first sign of trouble.  Life doesn't work that way.  There's a middle space that moves in extremes from one end to the other in degrees.  Thats the space where happiness is found.  I think.   Elated feelings only mean you are going to come down from them.  Very low feelings can be extremely difficult to rise from from.  You need to be able to choke it back a notch, or rev it up a bit- the trick is to know when. My gage is sticky. I had a small freak out because i thought my son had forgotten me, and then that he thought of me as an afterthought.  Its' not true.  But it felt like it.  Because i get sensitive during the holiday and when things c...

I read this on my friend Kissa's facebook page and i don't know if she wrote it- but i wouldn't be surprised if she did.  She has a way with words.  To say the least.  We don't see eye to eye on everything, many things, but i have no doubt about her heart and soul.  In this, she also speaks for me.  I only wish i had the talent and skill to have written my hearts desire instead of reading it in her words. What i want in the man i choose to spend my life with:   Not perfect. Not shiny. But self-aware, accountable, and embodied. He has done — or is actively doing — the work of unhooking from his wounds, not outsourcing them to women, chaos, or ambition. He doesn’t confuse pain with depth or intensity with intimacy. He knows who he is when no one is watching. Emotionally • He can feel without collapsing or projecting. • He does not punish with silence, confusion, or withdrawal. • He speaks plainly. No riddles. No power games. • When he’s overwhelmed, he sa...

 I love how the holidays bring out the best and worst in people.  I wish it was just the best but we can't appreciate one without the other.  So they say. I ordered a handcrafted personalized leather cigar holder, travel humidor from a leatherworker in the Ukraine for Bill as his main gift. He is a cigar smoker, obviously.  I usually see him shove the cigars into the inside of his coat pocket.  I thought this would be a little bougie for him.  This man is very difficult to buy for because he has very expensive taste and he buys everything he wants. I've been in contact with the seller back and forth and was notified the package was delivered.  Except it wasnt.  So round and round we go with tracking and i see it was delivered to the wrong address.  At least it wasn't porch pirates, but now i have to go knock on the door of the address clearly shown and hope they are honest and give it to me.  For me, it was an expensive gift, and i canno...

 Mr Tattoo randomly reached out to me Friday and we had a text conversation. It was nice.  A bit more balanced in my mind.  I know what he wanted from me, he was never secretive about it and it was never a chore for me to oblige.  My feelings for him were an eye-opener.  He basically changed my life, and how i view myself in it.  So he is and always be important to me.   To him, I'm someone he fucked around with briefly and is good for a mild flirtation once in a while. But maybe not.  Maybe I gave him something valuable too.  I hope i did.   Anyways.  He told me he would always answer my messages and wished me well in a meaningful way. I felt good about it.  I know i can't in good conscience continue to reach out to him once in a while.  It's not cheating but considering the relationship, it's not NOT cheating either.   Almost feels like an end to a part of my life that i hadn't completely let go of....

 Yesterday i helped in the kitchen as Bill made us Puttanesca.  I have taken up my role as "sus chef" after months of not being allowed to touch anything while he was cooking, and cleaning up. I didn't wonder if i would see him this past weekend.  I knew.  We have a bit of a routine starting- so that has to be shaken up.  This man is very routined.  I don't want to be put in the same category as the chores.  He must be kept interested, and slightly afraid of losing me.  Or he will lose interest.   looking back at my relationships that didn't work i realize I always took security as routine. Vary from that routine and it would shake me.  It was what i needed to feel safe.  And obviously, that was proven to be untrue.  So this weekend, we spent friday night together after work.  He made us slamming fat steaks and I ate the whole thing.  I didn't waste time on any sides.  That steak was my bitch.  I cleane...

 If someone was angry, or cranky, i would feel responsible to make them not anymore.  Or i would feel like i did something, or they were mad at me.........were going to cut me out of their life. Every disagreement was the end of the relationship to me.  It was never just a disagreement.   These feelings are what i took from my childhood relationship with my mother.  As an adult, i struggled with all my relationships.  I always felt the weight of responsibility and if they ever disapointed ME, i would accept it as my fate, that i had no right to expectations.  I have no idea if the women who birthed me is even alive, and I have very ambivalent feelings about it. I have been alive 57 years and i knew her until i was 16.  That is 41 years without her.  Maybe add in a few months of connection when i divorced my husband and she came around looking for me to take care of her, and having no interest in my children.  That was a very short l...

 i just enjoyed every moment and relaxed, trusted that all is well. What if? I'd find myself happy.   It's not a big full feeling that lasts for hours or days..........it's short bright moments when you see or feel something typical, or unexpected....in a different way.  Its a spark of light in the center of your chest that you acknowledge. It happens more often that you let yourself realize. Satisfaction is different.  It is a long term, goal reaching and setting state of being.  It's a long road with dips and turns and sometimes dead ends.  But also an acceptance of you direction, a willingness and desire to move forward on the same path.   And what if things change?  What if you have more moments of darkness and dissatisfaction instead?  Well, then, you change your path.  It is really that simple. I have overcomplicated my life in so many ways by trying to project other peoples feelings and never giving weight to my own....

Less than 4 years ago i was at my heaviest - and most miserable.  I kissed 250lbs up close and personal.  I never made it, but it was knocking at the door.  Then i moved closer to work, had less of a commute, most of my time to myself outside of work and i enveloped myself into a cocoon.  The weight didn't increase, nor did it leave.   I would start to watch what i eat and then i'd ruin it in one day by binge eating.  I was always hungry.  Always had "food noise".....when could i eat again?  what could i eat? how much could i eat?   It's a real thing.  And when you are unhappy, food is your friend. Anyways, my friend.  my comfort.  my reward.  my punishment.   After starting and stopping for over 10 years, I went to see about bariatric surgery and did all the testing and classes.  I was scheduled for the surgery and i backed out.   I was going under the knife to lose wieght?  I was g...

 i'm in an actual relationship.  With a man.  That i want to be in a relationship with. Thats not something i expected to ever say again. I am no holds barred, head over heals, in love with this infuriating, imperfect man......who is perfect for me. I will not overthink the risk i'm taking of having feelings, and what that means if he ever decides i'm not the one.   I will not look at his every twitch as having to do with me. Most importantly, i will remain my own person, separate from him, but with him.  I will not lose my identity by folding myself into his.  I will continue to strive to make myself better, more informed, healthier.....and not fall into that mistake of being comfortable at the cost of growth. Friday i recorded a fashion show of dresses that i want to wear on the cruise, because i'm not totally comfortable with two of them.  I sent the pictures to my daughter.  She has not responded.  I believe that is an agreement that...

 i am constantly checking in with myself.  How do I feel?  What makes me feel that way?  Is it perceived, or reality?  Are my stumbling blocks tripping me up? Do i need to have any feelings at all about certain things?  or comment?  or be involved? I take a few seconds to run through these questions in my mind whenever i get "triggered" now.  I find that i am on the defensive a LOT, and that it mostly turns out to be uncalled for. This years Christmas plans have changed.  My kids, adults, have changed the script to suit them - and it is perfectly fine.  Literally all i care about is seeing them.  Spending time with them.  I want to wake up Christmas morning with my granddaughters excitement over Santa visiting. This year will be funny.  My girls are coming to CT and we are all staying with my son and his wife.  We are deferring to the fact that my DIL is......shhhhhh.  And we are all very very excited.  So S...

 He and i are good at experiencing the cycle of the comeback.  He re-enters my life with a flood of charisma, attention, heat, presence, all the parts i love so much about him, and he sweeps me off my feet.  But then, he pulls back, becomes more and more inconsistent, and his humor actually begins to hurt me, and chip away at my emotional safety. The relationship doesn't always give me space to express discomfort with some of the things he says, or does, without being dismissed, or teased even more...like my limits are being tested.  I'm his woman, someone he should protect emotionally, not test. I love so much about him. His big energy, his presence, his masculinity.....his dominance.  But sometimes, it toxic or a version of alpha that needs me to be available to him, but doesn't offer the same in return.  I have grown used to standing in the center of my own life, and I won't now begin to spin around his unpredictability.  I shouldn't have to. I can'...

 Have you ever just stood back and watched?  If you do, you can't help but see patterns within your relationships.  The key is to see it, sit with it, and decide if it's worth continuing with. Family is obviously excluded.  My kids and my grandkids are stuck with me till the bitter end.  Nothing can tear me from them.   I alwasy thought my close friends were the same, because some of them ARE family to me.  Even if we don't see each other often, it doesn't matter.  We both know a call is all that is needed and either one of us would come running.  With a shovel if need be.   Sometimes, i need a break though. Sometimes a repeated monologue will make me fold into myself and give the obligatory "mmhmmm" and "oh my god".........because nothing more is required from me.  When that turns into a very long streak, i need a break. So i take it. I'm not great at relationships.  With the world my skin is pretty thick but with th...

 My son is hosting Christmas eve at his house this year.  This time of year is so complicated.  My daughters husband's (estranged) birthday is on Christmas eve.  He wants to spend it with his daughter.  He has never been very flexible about it also being a holiday.  Last year was so nice.  My grandaughter was out with her father on Christmas Eve.  I spent some time alone with my daughter and we wrapped presents and drank wine until she came home.  Then we watched a christmas movie and talked about me staying awake to "catch" Santa.  This has become a tradition.  Christmas day last year, my son and his wife came into the city and we got all dressed up and went to a fancy dinner together.  My daughters husband joined us.  All was wonderful until the end of the night when he told my granddaugher she was going home with him, because they had a flight early the next morning. The shit hit the fan.  My granddaughter did NOT ...

 One small adjustment i've made in my mind is to pay attention to MY feelings, and not worry so much about someone elses.  This doesn't mean running around and hurting people's feelings; it just means I'm the only one who can control how I feel and react.  So do that. It's empowering to know that someone elses actions may upset me, but it's not something I need to change or correct.  It's not my job to teach someone how to treat me.  It's my job to be around people who treat me well.  done. So this morning, when i didn't hear from Bill (because he's probably the only one i've ever enjoyed talking to first thing in the morning) I thought "oh, and it begins" because.........well, that's me.  BUT I then turned my thoughts to getting ready for work, making lunch, taking care of the animals, and getting my butt to work.  When i parked, i saw i had missed a call from him so i just called him back.   No snarky text messages, no small a...