conjured

 I feel like i conjured the ex bf by writing about him.  

He called me last night, out of the blue.  We used to sometimes text each other but then he stopped answering and i stopped wondering why.  Until he sent me a picture of his daughter, with my friends daughter.....because the two ex men hang out together now, only with their daughters instead of me and my friend.  LOL that cracks me up a little.

Anyways. I had made a tiktok about how you can tell so much just from a man's kiss.  I had been thinking about Mr. Cigars kiss and how it had roped me in to something i otherwise would have run from.  I mean, i have pretty strong feelings about being cheated on. I was postulating about other men that have kissed me, and how only a very few have swept me off my feet...........and how i now blame it on the damn kiss.

It's in the kiss.

And i reminisced about my first "adult" relationship (after my divorce to my high schools sweetheart) and i described how he took it, and how i let him.....and blah blah blah......how he swept me off my feet.  You get the idea.

Incidentally, Mr. Tattoo had that very same effect on me.  

I guess my ex likes to watch my tiktoks because when he called he told me he had to watch it a few times, but he KNEW i was talking about him.  Well, yeah, dumbass.  I spent 13 years chasing your ass because of that kiss.

See the connection?  The kiss.  The chasing.  

So he called me to tell me he knew it was him.  And he was so sorry he messed it all up.  And i said he had his daughter now, and he wouldn't have had that if he stayed with me.  And that was that.

A few weeks ago, i got a message from Henry.  I had dated him off and on and had really enjoyed him but his temper was quick and severe and i ended it swiftly the last time.  And a little brutally.  Come to find out he had been seeing someone all along........smh.  HE sent me a message on Instagram "hope you are doing well".

Yes, motherfucker.  I am.  

But the thing that rocked me .....today.  I got a message from Mr. Cigars business account on FB telling me he loves me that he misses me, that he is in counseling now that we made a great couple, etc......

I felt like i had been punched.  And i cried.  And that isn't a feeling i want to have ever again.  The only way he will go away from my life is if i do NOT engage.  And i don't want him in my life.

Maybe next lifetime.  But not this one.

The universe is throwing my exes at me with a vengenance and it's because she wants to know if i've learned my lesson?  Do I want more of the same or am i ready for real love?  Real love for myself.  Real love for my life, and what is good for me.........for what i deserve.  

I am.  Onward.