Mr. Cigar just left. He came over this afternoon because i unblocked him and sent him a text this morning, which he answered instantly with a flurry of texts.
I can't tell you what i felt aside from the feeling of watching myself and saying "do you know what you are doing? You are inviting more of the same." And i diid it anyway.
Last night as i was driving home after a relaxing day at the beach with Cathy and Kevin (Sarah joined us with her friend Pam for a while) I couldn't stop thinking about him. I almost went to his house, unannounced to see how i would be received, if at all. I didn't because i didn't want to know if someone was there.
This morning i woke up to a text from L and from the guy i went out with over the weekend. I told both of them i wasn't interested, basically. I felt relief. L responded with he understood that he wasn't spending enough time with me and how his life is right now.....He's off the hook. Thomas responded "k" and removed me from his dating profile. heartbroken, obviously.
Later in the morning i unblocked Bill, and i sent that text.
Which ended up with him coming over here.
Which ended up with him talking about his counseling and so on and so forth.
Again i feel like an observer.
This could be, probably will be, another round of Maribeth needs to learn her lesson.
Or, this could be what i need to be happy. If thats a thing. I don't want to date other men. I want to be with him.
Sometimes i want him to shut up and go away. But i always want to be his.
Maybe i am crazy. Lot's of people are. Maybe my friends will judge me because they don't think he treats me well. And he didn't. But there is something there that makes me return over and over and that goes both ways.
So now i continue living my life, and putting him in his place if needed. And loving him. With or without him.
No comments:
Post a Comment