Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I have to stop feeding into my own negative mindset. Who wouldn't feel bad when something they thought they wanted didn't come to be? Thats life.  It's not a reflection on who i am, or what my value is. He wasn't it. Mr. Tattoo wasn't it. The man who comes into my life, and stays.........he's it.   I just haven't met him. I turned off the dating site.  I've been in contact with a few men, and we'll see what happens or doesn't.  No investment in my part aside from giving my number when requested. This morning i listened to a podcast talking about people who went to school to learn coding, can't find jobs now, mostly because of AI which has basically taken it over.  That retirement plan i had of being a consultant for webpages and databases......that has to be re-evaluated.  Technology moves faster than our education system, so at least i didn't invest  money into learning it.  I learn by doing.  And now i will have to learn somethin...

 I feel bipolar. But i'm at work. This isn't about Bill as a person.  It's about what he represents.  Another failed relationship.  If i'm honest, it was mostly off more often than on.  But it felt like a relationship. Because i cared.  When normally, i really don't. Maybe this is my karma.  How many men have i cut off when they thought we were getting off the ground?  More than i want to admit.  When i see them getting attached, or having expectations- and i realize i could care less if i see them again........i break up with them. But i don't drag them first. Thats just shitty. I got dragged.  and pulled back, then dragged again.  I LET IT HAPPEN because i believe in romance.  Or love if you want to call it that.  I don't think it just happens.  I think there is interest, and then a need to make it work.....a longing for that person in your life.  And that is love. And i haven't had any in a long time. Not the ...

 Listened to 80's dance music on the way into work this morning and it got me all pumped up. My teen years.  The best, and the worst part of my life.   My first life challenge, being homeless at 16.  My first love.  My first choices as an individual - even if i was so young. And look at me now bitches!  Look at me now. I think i should listen to 80's dance music every morning........it brings me back and shows me how far i've come.  On my own.  Solo. And here i am, still solo.  Still doing it.  I got rid of everyone who tried to hold me back, or hold me down. I raised two independent people who do the same.   Now it's about what do i want next?  What am i shooting for? Retirement is so unknown........i have no idea what the world will be like at that time.  I'm living for TODAY, striving to do my best NOW.  The future isn't something anyone should depend on.   I just replaced the water cooler bottl...

 Before i met Bill i was in a really good place regarding men.  Take them or leave them.  The only one that actually made any impact on me was Mr. Tattoo.   So i had my day of soothing my wounds yesterday, eating brownies, not exercising, doing stuff around my home.  I had waves of tears, and let them come.  Get it out now darling, because tomorrow is another day. I woke up this morning to Bill "liking" and "hearting" my pictures on FB.  And "poking" me. Thats pretty childish.  I'm on his mind and that is the amount of effort he can give me.  If it wasn't pathetic, i would laugh. Instead, I let me come out.  I don't care about dating rules, and how a woman is supposed to respond or not......i'm myself.   I texted him. Lots of effort there. lol  I said "i seem to be still on your mind" to which he says "of course silly" Playing childish games and i'm silly.    He say he's trying to be better and not trying to...

 Men complain about women catfishing and i'm here to tell you.........they do the same thing. 15 year old pictures. Before the accident.  There is always and accident. And little by little all the things come out, in the first night.  On disability (fine) lives home with mom since his divorce 11 years ago (not fine) drinks like a fish ........... He picked Bleachers in Bristol.  Strange first date, considering the loudness, but what the hell.  I just wanted to go out.  He texted me from inside the bar, where he sat with his back turned from the door.  Strategic? He paid a cover charge to get in and ..........i tried to but my card wouldn't work in the ATM machine next to the door. So i CALLED him, watched him pick up his phone (without turning around) and i told him i couldn't get in, i had no cash. He was irritated. First off, i almost ran.  But i figured i was here and the band was supposed to be good.   He had a drink already and the ...

 Bill stopped by and when i saw his truck pull in i met him outside.  I said "thanks for the oranges" because if this wasn't an excuse to see me i don't know what was. AND he forgot my earrings.  I told him to chuck them.  He said he would bring them by and i told him to leave them on the doormat. I wouldnt say i was mean.  But i'm not encouraging any ideas of staying in contact with me.  I did ask him how his date was last night.  That paused his little troll smile, ha!  He said nothing was going to change until he did. No shit sherlock.  I told him dating women for his ego and leading them on is a trash look, and he should get his head right before messing around with womens emotions.  Someday he's going to play with the wrong one. Then i smiled, and said "Okay, bye!" and walked away.  He laughed and i did not turn around.  Byeeee! Then i came into the house and burst into tears. What a mind fuck.  I will never understan...

 Mr Cigar contacted me through the dating site that we both jumped back on (yes i gave in).  He wants to drop off my earrings and food that he bought me (oranges and fennel because i was going to make him a salad i grew up eating) so i said fine. If he shows up today i will be surprised.  Cheap fashion earrings i could care less about.... I might be meeting friends out tonight at a friends bar in waterbury. Its a hole in the wall dive bar called Howards.  We havent had a night out in a while and im looking forward to relaxing with friends and a few beers. Jen has an ear infection so if she isnt going i will suggest a different pace to meet this new guy I told a man on the dating site thats what im doing tonight and he asked if he could buy me a drink? Fine, if he has the balls to show up and meet me while im out with my friends i give him props.  Its a public place, come on over. The more the merrier.  He lives in Naugatuck, bald head.....rides.  He re...

 I cooked a huge meal and destroyed my kitchen. Brocoli Rabe, sweet and hot italian sausage, penne pasta..........lots of garlic and olive oil.  Then i put the shredded parm on top. I ate a small bowl and then looked at the mess i had created.  ewwww. I danced. While i cleaned the kitchen i put on my favorites playlist and danced, by myself, joyfully and with abandon.  I did this with no alcohol. No cannabis. Just relief. I practiced gratefullness. I admired my bright red dutch oven.  I love it.  It's so heavy and bright and it makes me happy cooking in it.   I meditated. Before bed and after the cleanup i sat down and pulled out my coloring books.  I picked all my favorite colors of markers and i mindlessly colored.  outside the lines.  not perfect.  I just let my mind go blank. I took rest. Clean Pj's, fan on, meds taken, I crawled into my comfy bed with Miyagi and I remembered to put on my cpap mask.  I listened to the ...

 I felt like i was in a marathon.  Every emotion, then having to just stop and look at the situation from the outside. Be done. Of course, it couldn't just end peacefully- i shouldn't have expected that from him.  There was a conversation which ended with me hanging up on him and promptly blocking him everywhere. The difference with blocking is that for me, it's permanent.  For him, it was used as a tool to punish.  Then he would unblock and reach out.  Childish. He is back to stalking his ex in the hopes of a reconciliation. You never know what you are getting involved with when you start dating a new person but addictions ALWAYS come out in the wash eventually.  Some people thrive on drama.  I'm not one of them. Focus needs to be on my continued success with weight loss, physical activity and promotion at work. Boring, not exciting or entertaining, yet highly satisfying.  For me. And thats all i care about now.   My new boss (i ju...

 Yeah.......he is blocked on all social media and on my cell phone.  He cannot contact me again when he cycles through his emotions.  If i didn't block him, he would be back. And i would be watching his page.  And i don't need that temptation. What a disappointment.  I didn't fall one time but several.......for this crap. I am no longer a pick me girl, I don't feel like i have to be chosen to be happy. To be chosen by the right man, yes.   He ain't it. these games. I'm tired. Please let me have learned my lessons. Let someone from my past come back to me, ready to love.  ready to have a life with me. someone who wants my love. Because no more new men with secret hangups.....

 3rd or 4th time breaking up?  I lost count. But this time I did it, and i mean it.  I won't be the backup girl. He can't give me what i need. And he agrees. So that was easy. for him. ha. From a weekend where i felt like we had come so far to breaking up.......AGAIN.  Thats not toxic at alllllllllllll.  I'm off the rollercoaster. I'll be the one that got away.  I love hard and i'm loyal.  There are so many good qualities about me and all a man has to do is love me. Expecting to have my feelings returned after months of cat and mouse isn't asking for too much. Expecting that someone be over their ex before dating me isn't a lot to ask for.  It's not asking for enough.  That is about to change. I'm holding it together because i'm at work but i had to say something because i dont want him to continue calling me, or reaching out. Once again i gave myself to a man who didn't want me.  I'm seeing a pattern.  And i'm seeing myself as the ...

 I need to focus on me and whats good for me.   This man will continue to call and reach out because i have become a safety blanket.  I don't want that job. He is going to have to heal from his ex on his own or start paying me for counseling services. Men are just plain stupid. He doesn't have feelings for me if he is still hung up on her.  It's that simple.  I have to be done. He stresses me the fuck out. Relationships should be a comfort, should be easy.  Or shouldn't be at all.  My need to be chosen is wasting my time and blocking my direction. Maybe i will go tonight.  And we will have this talk. And i will go home.  I don't want a man who doesn't care if i'm present or not.  Fuck his phone calls. I will be sad, and then i will have peace.  I won't have to wonder when she's coming back, because she will.  I don't have to worry who he will chose, because i already know. I've left a 20 year relationship with two young ch...

 to myself, or anyone else. I just go full bore into situations I know are not for me. half of me understands this is trauma, that i identify with the feelings, that they are familiar, and yes, exciting. the other half has grown out of the drama and just wants peace.  Peace alone, or with someone, but peace. This half doesn't find it entertaining or exciting - this half understands relationships that start like this end like this.   And yet, i keep siding with the familiar.  I KNOW better.   I know that while i'm over here playing games with this man I could be living a joyful, peaceful life alone, making myself available to the right man. Okay here's the fuckery in my brain - What if i hadn't drawn a line with Mr. Tattoo?  What if i had happily kept going to his house when he called?  What if i had just enjoyed him and not tried to keep him?  Would we have eventually just ended up together by accident?  Or would he eventually grow ...

 When i enter Mr. Cigars house, it's through the garage.  At the top of the steps, before you enter the door lies a specialty doormat, that has his and his ex's likeness and names as "dog parents".  When you enter the house, it's in the kitchen where on the cabinet is a yellow sticky note.  A love note, from his ex.  Still there. And every time i see it, i wonder, what am i doing here? And then i ignore it. Because it's easier. Tonight, we had an serious conversation, not common, and it led down the path i knew it was leading to eventually - the acknowledgement that he isn't over her. (duh) even if he knows they are over. mmmhmmm. We rehashed our first time dating, and the first time breaking up.   And the second. And tonight, i think i broke up with him.  Not in an angry way, but in a way that protects me from whatever it is he is going through.  I have no desire to be rebound girl.  It took me YEARS to get over my ex.  It may take...

 This weekend started out like most others.  I work from home on fridays and this allows me to switch off laundry and do some basic chores while i'm on calls.  Multi tasking at its finest.  Fridays are my "busy" days because i'm trying to get all the weeks left over stuff off my desk, and plan for the next week. Mr. Cigar went out to lunch with an old friend (translated to old lover) and her cousin who were visiting from out of state.  We had not made plans to see each other, and we didn't.  Friday was a chill night for me and i went live on tiktok and ended up in a group on someone elses page chatting away.  More new friends.  It was fun.   Saturday i was supposed to be going to a shenanigans gathering but the host this time fell ill and needed to cancel.  Unfortunately, i have a LOT of appetizer meatballs that everyone loves.....i hope i can freeze them or i will be eating them all week.  When plans got cancelled i let Mr. Ci...

 I'm stable and reliable........until it comes to men. I have a girlfriend who i love dearly, and we both agree that she is extremely high maintenance.  She is a LOT.  And she has no luck with dating.  Even before she had her daughter she had nothing but drama in her love life.   I'm starting to think thats me too. I don't have drama with my friends or family.  Glitches once in a while, but never full out drama or confusion over our "status".  When i'm single, there is literally no upset.  Even with work, and with uncertainty with life in general.....no personal drama. Enter a man and i lose my mind.  Am i controlling?  over myself, yes.  Am i negative? yes, when the situation is clearly negative.  But i'm also the one that always finds the bright spot.  I can always find the positive outcome from a shit situation. Unless it's with a man. Why. I notice when something slips, when something has changed.  When thing...

 Yesterday in physical therapy she added straps, and made it more difficult, but manageable......so i'm improving.  Then she told me to slow down on another excersize, or she would add wieghts to it if it was so easy. I love her.  I have come a LONG way with her.  Am i moving like a 30yr old? No.  But i am 60% more mobile than i was when i started with her.  I'm ordering her a little gift for my appointment next week because it is going to be my last.  And i'm sad. She suggested that if i am going to continue walking on trails (i told her a trail through the woods is part of my 3 mile walk sometimes) that i get walking sticks.  Mr. Cigar made fun of me when i told him, but i'm doing it.  I want to walk trails with confidence.   So much of my problem is in my head.  Imagine living 57 years and the first part of your life you are called clumsy constantly and screamed at not to run! It has an impact.  But when i realized just...

 Limp Bizkit has been hitting me hard lately- heard "My Way" on the way into work this morning and it hit right. It also brought up a random memory from years and years ago.  When i was a badass. When i left my husband I went a bit wild.  All those years of being an old lady in a young womans body came back with a vengeance.  I once went on 5 dates in one day.  All coffee dates....i was completely wired for the next 3 days.   I had a lot of men interested in me.  I was in my 30's, skinny, wreckless and I did not care who you were or what you had.....i wanted fun.  I was ready for good times. Yes, i had met my next relationship already, but he was on again off again (sound familiar?) and he wasn't looking for anything serious and neither was I.  Getting tied down was the last thing i wanted, i told myself.  Freedom was the ticket to ride. One night i went out with a co-worker to the Red Dog Saloon, a local biker bar.  She was me...

 After work i walked for three miles.  With Mr. Cigar. I know. What the hell is this love/hate situation.   He said "are you ready to go walking?" and i said, "meet halfway walk path" and that was that. Selfish? Stupid? Glutton for punishment? death wish? Or, i knew i would walk three miles at a good clip because he would gode me into it- and i don't do that by myself.  That motivatation means the world to me.  I have to do this if I am going to continue to lose wieght and if i am going to increase my mobility. Thats a sorry ass excuse.  I would say that to someone in my shoes. We have never slept together.  Just pointing that out.  There is no dickmatized going on here.   Was i comfortable walking with him? No.  He's a slave driver.  He forces me to keep pace, not slow down.  He's more of a sadistic coach than a romantic interest.   Whats in it for him?   We talk about money, retirment, life.........

 Yesterday i went to a wake for a close friends mother.  She was in her 90's and she wasn't always kind to my friend.   During the last year of her life she required assistance from her children and my friend took on most of the care, due to being closest. They had time to bond, after all these years.  It was a beautiful thing, to have my friend shown love and appreciation after all the years of never being good enough. Everything happens for a reason.  Life makes us stronger, or it gets the best of us.  Many times both depending on the day. After the wake i went to my besties house because she was having some of her girlfriends over and was kind of mad i didn't plan on going.  So i went.  I've worked with all these ladies and i like all of them.  We all sat nibbling on charcuterie and snacks, catching up, laughing.  Women need to do this more often.  It's healing. My bestie talked about a situation she is going through with on...

 I was so tempted yesterday to go back and forth with Mr. Cigar.  To argue.   For what. I controlled my instinct to fight.  Because i don't want the prize. Yes, i want to have the good parts, the parts that felt right - but the temper, the violence, the downside was way too much.  Maybe this is how it is in DV situations.  The good part is really good.  and then there's the other.   I have no doubt in my mind that if i carry on with that man I am going to get physically hurt.  What i saw him do.....not out of controlling the dogs, but pure rage.......no i don't need to see more. And the worst part is that the dogs don't have a choice.  He caters to them, special diets that require a lot of work on his part, they spend the day with him, are rarely home alone, but the flip side is what i saw.  I get that they need a firm hand because without it, they would be dangerous. But i'm also not new to dogs, which is exactly why i ha...

 I'm a believer in accepting apologies. But they need to match whatever the apology is for. This morning i woke up to a text message - basically telling me to accept his apology because he never used to do even that. Oh, my fluttering heart.  How fucking romantic and grown up. I ignore it, thinking, more must be coming. nope. Here is the clear structure of a GENUINE apology: Acknowledgment- state clearly what you did or said that caused harm. Responsibility: Own your role without excuses or deflection Expression of regret: communicate genuine remorse Impact recognition: Show how you understand how your actions affected the other person. Amends/ Repair: Offer to make things right, or change behavior Commitment to change: Explain how you'll do it differently in the future. Extra step, Invitation: give the person space to respond. Not everyone is raised the same.  I've been on my own since 16 with no adult influence beforehand aside from my fathers advice on boys......And i ...

 It would be easy for me to just skip this entry, skip talking about tonight.  But it wouldn't be real.  If this blog is anything at all, it's truthful.  Even when i look like an idiot. No apologies for last night.  Just texting and talking like normal today, and me pretending last night didn't happen.   And i liked talking to him, i was perfectly okay letting last night go silently into the night to die its horrible death. Because i'm great at avoiding.   So we talked all day on and off and he asked me to come to his house tonight to walk.  "your turn" he said.  Like i haven't been the one going to his house all along.  He has been here ONCE and he couldnt wait to leave.   I was looking foward to seeing him, because i missed him last night.  Yes, that sounds ridiculous and it is.  He is so all consuming that when he isn't there or calling, its a huge quiet space.  I go to his house and say hello to the...

 Yesterday was a perfect example of dating someone with a drinking problem. Due to life experience, i knew this was coming.   Mind you, we reconnected on Sunday, less than a full week ago.  One of the reasons was that he told me he knew he had a drinking problem and was working on it.   That is the first step. over, and over and over again. I will not go into his personal demons, or his past in this blog because it's not my story to tell.  What i CAN tell is my experiences with him because they happen to me.  In the past, people have read my blog and gotten really ticked off at my point of view and to them I say "tell your own story".  No one reads this blog anymore, it was never intended as something to be promoted or make money off of.  It's just me, writing my thoughts and experiences.  From MY point of view. With that said, I walked back into this relationship with wide open eyes.  When i saw him walk in to the restaurant o...

 Today is September 11th, and we will never forget. Even if part of us wishes we could. I remember the day clearly. Being torn between which child to get from school first (our three locations being the same distance in a triangle), getting them from class, not knowing if i should go home or the grocery store - Because the grocery store is where you go before a storm........ Coming home and turning on the television and trying to answer my 10 year olds questions and worry over my 12 year olds silence. We watched.  I let them.  It occurred to me that they shouldn't be watching but i remember thinking it was going to get worse.  That this was the beginning and they needed to know how the world works. Life isn't fair and sometimes it is horribly tragic.  And yet we are expected to go on.  Because we are resilient creatures with a will to survive.  And kill.  There will always be a dark to the light.  Knowing both is important. I have never met a...

 Last night he requested that i wear something i feel pretty in and bring my gym bag with workout clothes.  He was taking me to dinner and then we would come back to his house and walk.   I felt excited.  I haven't ever in my life been told to dress to be taken out. I don't really have "take me out" clothing.  It's either very casual or very work....or pjs. So I settled on a little black dress with a cutout on the back.  A little fitted but not too much.  Silver sandles and earrings. Thats it. He didn't say "dress up" he said "something you feel pretty in". And i got the appropriate response, after the dogs tried to sniff up my dress. (which at their size, literally lifts me off my feet)  I did like his reaction.  Is it sad, that after all these years, i've never had this experience? He took me to The Corner in Litchfield.  Per usual, he knows everyone.  We had such a good conversation, as we do, and i no longer feel as if i ne...

 Yesterday after work we went walking again.  I agreed to meet him at his house because he had to mow, (5 acres to keep up with) and as soon as i got there, we hooked up the pups and left. I have never walked a cane corso.  They only went with us for the first round so they could do their business, and perhaps sniff out any lurking woodland creatures.  Part of the walk was through the woods, into his property, onto the street.  6 times would have been 3 miles.  I made it 4 times before it started to get too dark for the woods section (which was fairly flat but still a trail where i went slower), Here's the thing.  He motivates me.  He tells me i can do it, look at you doing it! and he pushes.  He wants me to push to my limit, and says i'm in my head with what i can and cannot do, that i limit myself. He makes me want to do it.  Sometimes, just to shut him up. And he's doing it with me, not just telling me i "should".   After th...

 I'm processing yesterday.  We met at 1pm and i left him at 9pm. That's a lot to process. I slept last night.  I didn't wake up until the phone rang.  It's a good thing he called because i didn't set the alarm. And when i heard his ringtone I felt happy. Many mixed feelings here.  I don't trust him. Also, he pisses me off.  He really is an asshole.  And then he's not.  Part of me hates him.  And the other part recognizes him. i'm very confused and what i need is time to see proof.  I need to go slowly into these dark waters or i will drown.  With a smile on my face.  But still. Drown. We sat for a few hours and he did most of the talking telling me things i already knew.  I had already talked to Mary, his ex, not ex.....And they said the same thing but feel entirely different, see it different.  I told him it was none of my business and that i shouldn't have been in the mix at all. I'm still chewing on everything he s...