Walking Barefoot in Snow

 i really don't want to continue therapy. But i will.  I'm slowly pulling the parts together  that have scattered in the wind.  I have to continue. Yesterday, a poem started to form in my mind - having to do with evil and what it is- or what it looks like.  It isn't scary, or ugly- It comes in the form of a man/woman who you are unbearably attracted to, can't get enough of- even though they rip your soul out.  They possess your mind, take over your thoughts....you never see them coming.  That is evil.   I'm working on it.  Mulling it in my mind.  I'm sure it's not a new concept, but to me, it is. Especially today - All Hallows eve when the veil between the worlds lift.   Is it about "others" or is it about yourself?  When we see ourselves and the people around us very clearly.   My creative juices are flowing and then stopping.  Flowing than hitting a wall. But i will run with them this time.  I wi...

 That was this morning's song from Mister.   I get a good morning, and a song, and an affirmation.  I respond with "thank you" because i don't know what to do with all of that.  I don't want to get used to it.   I used to be that person a long time ago.  I would write poetry, (never said good poetry) and i would draw cards, copy down lyrics, and share them with my then boyfriend.  But they never seemed to care.  And i eventually stopped because it felt......stupid. And now, it's uncomfortable.   Having it done to me, is that what my bf's in the past felt?  Like "what do i do with this?"........i want to believe him.  I want to return the effort.  But i'm frozen. And i'm disbelieving. And i'm cynical. And i don't think i'm worthy of this type of attention. Yes, therapy tomorrow. I was thinking about stopping and i mentioned it to Mister.  His reaction was that i shouldn't...that i should carry on with my goal...

 Today i attend an important meeting with all faculty and administration regarding my program. I'm not nervous.  yet. Woke up, put on professional makeup (barely there) slacks, silk shell, and a black wool blazer - added a silky scarf for a little pizzaz.  Classy jewelry ...but left my nose stud in. And off i go. now i'm nervous. about what?  I don't have to speak, i'm just attending.  I want everyone to know my face, not just my emails.  Some have been super unpleasant, but others, amazing.  All should know who I am.  I touch their stuff.  I know things.  I'm the do-bee baby.   So i'm excited to be known, and thats a huge difference from normal.  I almost didn't get married because i didn't want to be the center of attention.  And look at me now. Yesterday i worked from home and plowed through so much "stuff".  I was content with my productivity.  After work i sat down and put together a snowball payoff deb...

Last night was hard, but i knew it was coming ever since our Florida vacation.   Shenanigans is dead to me.  I started this group years ago during covid on an application called "KiK" which was a chat program that you could have public and private groups in.  I was in a group that was a lot of fun, but got dramatic.  So i decided to start my own group. Shenanigans was born.  And it thrived.  The room was usually full, meaning no new people could join because we were at max.  Any time or day it was hopping.  Someone was always around to talk to. People came, and went.  A lot stayed and fit the non-mold that we had.  We listened, we debated and we didn't judge.  Everyone was welcome as long as they were from Connecticut. Because i hosted meet and greets.  People in the group would meet out at public places to get to talk in person with each other.  And eventually, the group had a solid base of consistent members that ha...

 This weekend was full, and happy.   Doug and Jen picked me up Saturday morning and we hit the road to do leaf peeping and get out of the house. Our plan was vague, except we were heading out to Woodstock Connecticut.  We ended up at a breakfast place that we randomly picked out of desperation because we were hungry, and now i think it will be a regular for me.  It's in Canton and it was delightful.  When we pulled in there was  a huge happy Budha, and i took that as a good sign.   I was right.  Seasonal, farm to table food at pretty decent prices.  The place is private, not a chain, and has the owners action figure collection all over the wall - along with local art work, and even a "take a book" shelf filled with books for kids and adults alike. It felt like we were eating at a friends house.  I love places like that. We were off to a great start. We ended up at a few cool places, and i took a crazy amount of pictures. Of flo...

 Every time i think i'm over it, i'm not. And we never even had a good relationship so ........ Had therapy again this morning and it's still in the early stages but i'm already seeing things that i already knew..........i know i don't think i deserve a good man who will treat me well. Does it matter why? And how do i stop that? They call it stuck points.  What we tell ourselves and we believe it wether or not its true at all.   Okay. So i'm going to have my thoughts rewired?  Will i be the same sardonic person that my friends love as I am right now? Is all this even worth it? It took me 8 years to get over a 13 year relationship...........maybe it will take me a couple of months to get over Bill and not have hurt feelings in my chest when i think about him. I keep asking myself if its even really about HIM, or is it about not being chosen?  Different days i have different answers.Right now i'm just grateful that he has receded into darkness and i haven'...

 Last night i had a craving for a fancy coffee.  As i was texting a bit with Mister i told him.  He said to send him a picture of what i wanted and he would deliver it. yah, right. And half an hour later he was at my door with a fancy coffee in hand. So i let him in. :) We sat talking for a couple of hours and then i told him i was going to bed.  Bye now.  And he left. No kissy face, no sexy talk (although we did discuss sex a bit because I ask a lot of questions and he  tells a lot of truth without hesitation, without getting defensive......even though i might not appreciate the answer- WHICH doesn't bother me because truth is all i've ever wanted out of a man.  What the truth IS is besides the point.  That was then, this is now.  We all evolve. I mean, the likelihood of me ever being part of  a spontaneous orgy is probably never going to happen again but i still don't judge anyone's choices before they met me. During me, yes, i have op...

 scrolling though my facebook memories and from 15 years ago today i posted: Ba BANG! The law doesn't like Brians backyard specials round heya. I remember that day clearly- With my ex lighting "special" fireworks off the back deck with a couple of friends.  Enjoying the beautiful evening and disturbing our neighbors.   Just like real hicks.  Imagine my reaction as the nice officers came up the back steps and stood talking to us  .....right where my ex's huge weed plant was thriving. No way they didn't see it, hell, SMELL it, but looked right through it.   Lets say it got cut down shortly thereafter.   I was big mad.  not little mad.  This would be an example of me being "no fun" i suppose.   what a wet blanket. 

 Sorry i haven't called, i'm so busy at work. I don't think thats going to fly when it's me talking to myself. But i really have been busy at work.  And my private life has seemed to center out a bit with the exception of a few unexpected meltdowns. I'm trying to pretend i know what i'm doing at work- and i'm suddenly interacting with so many people who have intimidated me in the past......and now i'm feeling like part of a team again.  But i don't kid myself.  I have the knowledge and history that they need probably to put me out of a job ...... Not really, but it's always a possibility.  Everything is changing very rapidly around here and i'm just tying to remain relevant.  Mister texted me to have a good night after work yesterday - he was going out with a friend, Darcy.  I waited to feel something.....nope.  Don't care.  I think thats good?  He has a lot of female friends which brings up a few alarms in the back of my head but i thin...

 Mister. Manly. Marvelous. Maybe. Mine.  i'm gonna go with Mister.  The rest is yet to be determined. He called me last night, and we talked for a long, but not too long time.  We reviewed Sundays meltdown, and relationship status was reinforced as "no pressure" until the end of therapy and no promises about what happens from there.   It seems the most honest way for me to behave - and he has the freedom to do as he pleases. Stupid because even if we were in a "relationship" he would still be able to do as he pleases....as would I.   Whatever, the words get in the way. What i liked:  When he left he went home and picked up his camera, and went out to take pictures.  He hasn't done it in forever and I was encouraging him to get back into it.  He is an amazing photographer.  His pictures make you feel something.   And he did.  And he enjoyed himself.  And he is sparked to pick it up again - That made me happy....

 so......my meltdown yesterday.  Unexpected. M is testing the waters- tried holding my hand as we were walking and i groaned (yes, out loud) and he said if i was uncomfortable it was okay we could not.  But i heard "that" in his voice so i held on, awkwardly for a few moments before i let go.   Later he tried again, and i had the same loud groan that came out without my approval - and again, i tried.  He asked me about it and i had to think a moment. I used to love holding hands, and demonstrations of affection (outside the bedroom) so much in fact that it was then used as a tool to punish me. Mad at me? no holding my hand.  Want something? hold my hand.  Maybe not that simplistic, but you get the idea.  Demonstrations of affection were turned on me and used as a tool.  Not just by the ex husband, but by the 13yearex as well.   So it became something i grew to detest.  I do not allow it.  The only snuggling i do is be...

M picked me up at 11am and we went to the place in Collinsville that we like and always seem to end up at for lunch.  Then for a nice long leisurely walk where i got to take a lot of scenic pictures and he didn't rush me or yell at me that i wasn't burning any calories and needed to walk faster. We sat down on a bench at a waterfall area and enjoyed the sun and talking.  Back to the car, i thought we were headed to a reptile store but we went in the wrong direction. I was still relaxed until i realized we were going straight into Burlington, where i have just spent the past months going to see Bill, going up and down the same road with various emotions - rage, sadness, anticipation.......confusion.  It sent me into a tailspin and i couldn't help it, i started to have a mini panic attack.  I asked "where are we going" and he kept saying "don't worry i want to show you something" and I clammed up and started to shake, trying not to cry.......full blown...

 Last night was me taking my gf out for her birthday dinner.  We don't see each other often (discussed yesterday) but when we do, the vibe is always there. Thats the thing about real friends.  Time goes by like nothing and you are still friends. We confided the really important stuff, checked in about work loving or not loving......and i had a Old fashioned that cost $23 .......wTF.  Has it always been this expensive???   We talked about income, free time, and being happy. or not.  She is a really good touch base for me because we had similar disruptive childhoods although with completely different outcomes.  That, in fact, is how we originally bonded all those years ago, when on a snowy day in Vermont while all the boys went snowmobiling, she stayed back with me (I never went on those 200 mile rides in snow and no peeing).   She took me up over the mountain to go see her ailing grandmother in a nursing home and on the way back we did a ...

 Had to go down the hill today and pick up my new fancy orthotics........sexy. I took the shuttle and my favorite driver Reggie was working.  One stop away and we picked up Darryl........and i proceeded to accuse him of riding around with Reggie all day because we are always seeing each other on the shuttle. It feels good to laugh and be silly for a couple of minutes with a couple of nice guys that want nothing from me.   And to see people in the hallway and be friendly. Not too friendly.  I'm protective of my reputation.  This is work. I stay away from the cliques and pockets of people who talk too much. But it sure does feel good to see nice people and have them be happy to see you. Tonight is dinner with one of my girlfriends who i only see a few times a year now.  We used to see each other daily when i lived in Wolcott and our lives were so intertwined.  I miss her.  I miss her husband and children.  I don't miss that time period of ...

 Thats what yesterday felt like. And i think i got the head out. Last night M asked me if he could call.  I said yes, even though i was wary.  We had another good talk.  At one point he said I respond to his texts, but he has noticed as soon as he says anything "emotional" or complimentary to me I stop answering. And he's right. So we talked about that. How i am uncomfortable with how to respond because i'm not used to it, and how i SHOULD be used to it because it's part of people dating.  At which point i reminded him we are not dating.  He keeps saying he's here for the journey, and i keep reminding him there is an unknown outcome and i don't want to disapoint him, but who knows how my thoughts will change during the next 11 weeks as part of this intensive therapy.  I don't want to lead him on.  Or put pressure on myself. He is really good to talk to.  Perceptive.  Articulate. Kind. And he doesn't care if i bring my walking sticks to p...

 I'm good.  I'm okay. But during lunch i was ruminating on how i got attached to a man who not only cheated on me, but cheated on the woman he is supposedly deeply in love with - and yet he's not with her. Because he is fucked in the head. And so am I. apparently. He came after ME hardcore on the dating site.  I already knew him, having been friends with him as acquaintances for probably years, but I don't remember how.  And he reached out to me, was full of piss and vinegar, funny, happy, and wanted something serious.  And we went out, and then we kept breaking up without ever having said we were together......I noticed things, that i've already discussed in this blog.  And come to find out, i was right.  He was still with his "ex" and only saw her once a week. I found that out by having a conversation with her, that i've already discussed previously.  And found out that he had broken up with her quite brutally the same week he broke up with me. ...

I'm going to try and make this my last go around with Bill. I texted him last night after all the "poking" on facebook and asked him why he can't just call me instead of the childish games. I don't know if he was drinking, but i suspect he may have been.  He has a lot of come backs that aren't always very nice.   I sat there trying to form messages to him that wouldn't set him off........and i thought......this fucker. And the switch got thrown. Why am i allowing this person to take up space in my head?  I looked at his facebook, saw who commented on his posts.....all women, and some quite obvious about "knowing" him.  That is such a turn off to me.  I felt that gross feeling.......and then i asked myself "why?"  Not why is it gross, but why do i associate with someone who gives me the ick? Who brings me nothing but insecurity, a feeling of needing to prove myself, and disapointment. So i said "I miss you less when i remember you h...

 I've been having dreams that aren't nightmares, but are stressful.  They recurring, and mostly they are about me driving and ending up on a road that is being flooded or a road i can't really see.  I don't know if i should continue on, or turn around.  That is the basic gist of the dreams although there are always more and different details. I put this into a dream interpretation application and it spit out at me that water in dreams represents emotions, and not being able to see represents the unknown.  That my subconscious is telling me to slow down and refect before moving forward, rather than rushing onto a path that feels unsafe or unclear. (the choice being between two types of risks)  Thats the short version. That made me think about Carl Jung's way of looking at choices.  He spoke about the tension of opposites, or being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  We have two equally unsatisfying choices and he believed that our psyche doesn'...

 My weekend was productive in several ways.   I had solid time to myself to sit and create.  And while i was sitting and doing my version of "art", i had time to let thoughts and feelings just roll through my head in a stream without attaching to any of them. I feel lighter.  Like i rebooted, or restarted.  Cleared my cache.  Defragged.  You really have to love the proper dose of medication when you suffer from depression and anxiety.  It makes a WORLD of difference. I even sat in my recliner with blankets and watched the storm outside along with a few episodes of "Wednesday" on netflix.  I was cozy, comfy and satisfied.  I even concentrated without falling asleep.   Ah.  Sleep.  Thats what i usually do when left to my own devices.  I sleep.  This weekend i did take one purposeful nap, but i did not spend the whole weekend sleeping.  avoiding.  I did things.  Of my own free will. And i en...

 

 I love a good rain storm when i can be at home and enjoy it.  A day like this, cold and blustery- it's nice to stay in my cozy pj's and keep the lights off, so i can see the trees bending outside.  I opened the sliding glass doors for a bit, to get that blast of freshness through my home.  I could hear my windchimes clacking loudly feel that wind in my face.......glorious. I will do that again throughout the day, unable to NOT feel the cleansing wind and allow it to rip through my home and clear out the emotions that no longer serve me. Yesterday i tried to call my daughter on video call, and my granddaughter answered "hello grandma!  I'm at daddy's house"...that sweet little voice.  She had my daughters ipad and i guess thats where the video call goes to?  I don't know, don't care.  I tried to call again, and my granddaughter picked up again laughing at me.  Silly grandma.  You did it again. But now i know i can call her on the ipad an...

 I know he's with someone tonight and I don't know who and I doesn't really matter. I have that feeling in my chest. The last time I felt it was when my ex of 13 years and I broke up. when I knew he was with someone else who he preferred over me.  people experience this all the time. it's just part of living. You can't always be the one who gets picked. You won't always be the one who's loved.  this horrible feeling that is hurting my entire body will go away in time. just like it did with my ex. someday in the future if I see him I will look at him and I will wonder what I ever found attractive in the first place.  but tonight it's just going to hurt and I must remember that he is taking pleasure in someone else and I am not on his mind and that makes him unworthy of my attention and this too shall pass.

 I have no control over other people.  Just let it go. Let it. Let them, let whatever.  (i have to re-listen to that book) Last night Bill told me something that had me wanting to take him to the ER.  Of course, he wouldn't go. And now this morning the "poking" on Facebook. I don't want this.   I don't want to watch another man not take care of himself, where I am the one filled with worry and he does absolutely nothing to prevent or take care of issues.  That could be health, finances, adult stuff that needs to be addressed.  His business is his life, but taking care of himself isn't a priority.  He has as many issues as i do.  That must be the attraction. But this is not mine to worry about.  I can't participated in the childish poking, just because its confirmation that he's thinking about me for at least a few minutes a day.  I know better.  It's a game, for both of us.   I can see if we were together, you wo...

 In therapy I'm learning that my thinking is filled with "stuck points" that may or may not be real.   One is "no one needs me" Another is "I'm not important to anyone" Keeping that in mind, when a man brings me flowers before he takes me out for a nice dinner and does not have expectations from me.....i don't know what to do with that. When he sends me a text like this: I don't know what to do with that. This is the horrible part.  I don't believe him.  I think it's contrived, and he's setting me up to rip the carpet out from under me.  A big joke on me that i would believe anyone could express THIS type of emotion regarding me. Fucking bitch, yes, THAT i believe. I want so bad to not have a negative reaction when a man says something nice, something loving, something very very (tooo) sweet........i should believe that a man can fall head over heals with me and believe that i'm the absolute BOMB...... But i can't. I won...

 Last night was fun.  I got to see a good band with good friends.  Rocked out a little bit- and it was a good time. I dressed in my rocker 80's attire, and i thought poor Eddie was going to have a heart attack.  He kept saying "MB!"  and grabbing me.  I really wish we could be a couple, but we are perfect as friends.  It's not very many men that i am comfortable enough to literally sleep with, all tangled up, and not have to worry it's going to turn sexual.   Of course i wouldn't sleep with him if i was in a relationship, because i don't think anyone is THAT understanding.......i know i'm not. So i got dropped off at home after the show and i couldn't sleep to save my life.  Was up all night, dozing on and off.  I just went with it.  Can't stress about it or then you'll never get any sleep. Today i made up for it by dozing on and off all day in between cleaning.  I had the radio on, and i got a lot done without having to l...

 The man showed up with flowers. Purple roses, because when we dated  years ago he had taken a picture (he's a photographer) of a purple rose and named it after me. For years, i kept that picture as my screensaver.   He is demonstrative.  HOWEVER, my brain is suspicious of this type of attention.  Thats how fucked up I am.  I am not comfortable.   I want to be the woman who EXPECTS this behavior. We sat for a few minutes and talked, then it was time to go.  The restaurant was done over so it was brand new to me as well.  The food was good, and we both got Old Fashioned's  for a nice adult beverage.  Conversation was good, he is a talker. At the end of the meal an old co-worker sat down at the table immediately next to us and of course we did the screech and hug thing....I barely had time to sit down and he introduced himself to her, rather aggressively, like i had forgotten him. I didn't care for it. We came back to my pla...

 I begged my primary provider to increase my meds, at the very least temporarily.  After i told her i'm in the therapy she suggested, she agreed to increase. So for the past couple of nights it's been doubled. And i just realized, i feel stable.  ish.  I haven't really subjected myself to any stress. And i just stopped at the library at work and found TWO books that look interesting, and i can't wait to start reading them.  I haven't had this feeling in a good minute. Am i excited about going out tonight?  Not really.  I am a little bit stressed, feel a little bit like i'm doing it so i don't hurt his feelings.......but i know it will be a nice time.  I just don't want to use this man.  He told me to let him worry about himself. But isn't that exactly what Bill did to me?  Spend time with me, let me get attached - even though he still loves his ex?  Yes, he likes me.  He likes the attention, and my company.  But i got atta...

 Tomorrow is Friday and I'm dreading it.  Therapy.  yahoo. But i'll do it.  12 weeks.  I can do this. I wonder who i will be at the end?  The same? I'm getting taken out tonight.  M made a reservation at the place i really enjoy, Fork and Fire, and he knows he isn't being invited in to my home after.  I have work tomorrow. We talked last night- thats never been a problem.  We chitty chat like two girl friends.  And.......maybe thats one of my triggers with him?  I'm toooo comfortable?  But shouldn't i be? Bill and i went back and forth a bit yesterday - we seem to have real conversations when we aren't together.  So why do i feel connected?  Like this isn't over yet.  There's more.   Because i'm delusional.  And i like to be emotionally confused.  And i want him.  badly. Don't you wish you could just flip a switch and be done?  Maybe someday.  But not today. Here is todays view ...

 Until i get into a serious, committed relationship, i'm open to seeing other people - absolutely. Let it be known that i am NOT looking going forward.  Whatever happens, happens. Until a man lets his intentions be known, and i have agreed to said intentions........"Exclusive Dating" means diddly squat to me.   That just means you are taking me off the market while you decide if i'm a keeper or not.  Waste of my time.  Not falling for that ever again. And it's not something to stick in their face either.  It's for me to know.  I tell men i'm dating too much about my life.  Daters are casual, on a need to know basis.  Relationships get the details.  Thats how to keep from getting invested in someone who isn't investing in me.   The man that shows he is serious and treats me the way i deserve to be treated WITHOUT COACHING, is the one i will notice going forward.  These other low effort, game playing, emotionally unavai...

 Yesterday was a good day at work.  I got a lot done and spent some time with my mentor- he told me i'm the owner of the database now when i went to him to correct a problem.  I said "well, why am i bothering you then?" and he said "I was going to ask you that myself" and we both started laughing. Understand, being "owner" means i can destroy this very intricate database.  The fact that he gave me full rights is big.  This is his baby.  He birthed it, grew it, and taught me how to manage it.   I'm scared of it.  But confident in what he has taught me and my ability to solve problems if they arise.  So work, is good.  But never a given.  I never relax into "i have a job"........that can always change. I got the "good morning" text from M yesterday and i responded.  But honestly, i was annoyed.  I kind of hate good morning texts.  I liked it when Bill called me in the morning, which was strange.  But the whole...

 it occurred to me as i was doing my walk around the building- that i miss Bills calls.  He would call me throughout the day and talk to me about his business and life in general.  The calls were never sexual in nature- he TALKED to me, like my opinion and thoughts mattered. And i miss that.  Not him. I miss feeling like my opinion mattered to someone i cared for. Or that i could play devils advocate to round out the view - maybe calm him.  That i could be of value.........that is the feeling i miss. This blog looks like it's going to turn into a bunch of random thoughts on steroids. 

 how do i explain this without it becoming a book? A man i dated briefly a couple of years ago reached out to me around this time last year.  He asked if he could take me out, as friends, because he wanted to talk to me about something.  I agreed, we met up, and he remembered exacty why i broke it off with him (in more detail than i even remembered).  He apologized for his part, said he had gone into therapy shortly after and realized he was still in love with his ex wife. I seem to be the inbetweener for these men.  Or i'm so horrible they go running back to their exes. Ha. Anyways, i thought that was really pretty big of him to get in contact with me again.  Not necessary, but big of him.  I like emotionally mature men.  We met up again, here and there, as friends only......to catch up and hang out.  I enjoy his company, but the thought of dating him again wasn't in my head. The last i knew he was dating a nice woman who had been married fo...

Yesterday (Sunday) my plan was to smoke, and watch movies all day or just smoke and stare at the wall.  Not leave the house.  My friends left late morning and while i felt better when they were here, that quiet got me as soon as they left.   A gentleman i'm communicating with on facebook dating sent me a picture of him leaning on his motorcycle asking me if i want to go for a ride...... Well, yeah. I do want to go for a ride. I agreed to meet him for lunch, which turned into several hours, and we could decide if a ride was in the cards.   It was.  He was a great lunch date and i enjoyed his company.  Not a lot of laughing, but the conversations was one of the best.  Deep questions, from HIM, great time.  Then we moved outside and stood around talking for another half hour.  Finally i asked him if we were going for a ride?  His face lit up like a sun and he asked me "you want to?".......i said "Do YOU?" and he said "YES"......TH...